#AtoZChallenge K is for Kindness

Kindness comes in all forms, but most people automatically think of kindness towards others. Which in and of itself is a wonderful thing, but first before we can offer kindness towards others, we must be able to be kind to ourselves.

How many times during the course of a day are you unkind to yourself? Think about it. You put extra obstacles in front of you from the moment you wake up, you have unrealistic goals that you may not be able to attain, you don’t give yourself credit for the achievements you do reach, or possibly you think harshly about yourself and your valid accomplishments don’t feel deserving of a pat on the back. You think poorly of your self worth, feel unlovable, unattractive, or simply not good enough for yourself or for others.

Any of those sound familiar to you as you’re reading them? I’m sure at one point in our lives this is the case. Hopefully it’s not a daily occurence and you are being kind to yourself daily.

We need to reinforce the simple, yet often hard, act of kindness within our own lives. Kindness, like love, can not be freely given to another person unless we are able to let go of our own self imposed barriers, and give to ourselves first. It’s not being selfish, it’s fostering a healthy relationship with ourselves so we can also encourage healthy relationships with those in our lives.

Just as we can not teach a child respect, honor, discipline, and love unless we are ourselves practicing what we preach. Do not expect to hold another person to a higher standard if you yourself can not at least try to do it for yourself. That wouldn’t be fair to them, or you for that matter.

Be kind to yourself, so you can be kind to others. Practice daily moments of self kindness. Tell yourself in the morning that you are good enough, lovable, worthy of goodness and happiness. These mantras of kindness will help you through your daily life and your interactions with others.

40 things I learned in 40 years…maybe

**Adult language, proceed with caution**

As I sit here, mere moments from my impending (the day after my) 41st birthday, I’m contemplating my life thus far. Where have I been, what have I learned, and where am I going? Three of the biggest questions in life. I’m grateful that 2016 is a Leap Year. One extra day of being 40. Not that 40 is or was a bad thing, I don’t mind getting older, I’m again grateful I have the opportunity to be here at this age. There was a time I didn’t think I’d get this far…

This isn’t one of those stereotypical 40 things I learned in 40 years post. You can google the shit out of those and find a ton of useless, often repeated, self esteem bullshit out there, but this isn’t one of them. What it is, is what it is, a little pouring out my soul onto a blog post just to let it all hang out.

In 40 years, I haven’t done all that much. I had a fantastic fast track career that got sidelined in my prime due to a car accident, oh well fuck it, life sucks some times and we gotta pull ourselves up from our bootstrings and try our hardest to move on with the new normal. It’s not always easy, some days are better than others, and we do the best we can with the cards we are dealt with. There are so many things my mind would love for me to do, many of them, my body won’t allow, but I try my damndest to do the best I can. At least I can say I fucking try.

My mind still absorbs all the possible knowledge it is capable of learning. I take each day as a new learning experience, and although I don’t have vast college degrees, I think my BA in Communications/Journalism is enough for me at this time, I have a wealth of knowledge that a classroom or degree can’t measure up to. Life experience is vastly underrated and underutilized. Don’t take it for granted.

I may not be a mother, in the sense of giving birth to a child, but I have mothered plenty of children and I will say they are all better off for the time, attention, love, and discipline…yes discipline I have given them over the years. It’s not being sarcastic, snarky, or ever boasting, it’s just the facts. There are children who when in my care have learned how to read, eat, have manners, show respect, learn that working hard gives them self respect and confidence they didn’t think they had, they learned consequences from bad behavior, and reward (not in monetary sense but in pride) in doing good deeds. Yes, I can say I am a mother, of sorts, to many children.

I have learned what I will tolerate and wont tolerate from myself and from those I surround myself with. If you don’t offer positive vibes in my life, I will cut you out plain and simple. In my mid 30’s when I was trying to be a good Catholic, I gave up Negative People for Lent. I purged my circle of all that negative fucking bullshit that people had to offer me. I have no use for negativity, my own mind can do that just fine when I indulge in it, and I don’t allow myself to indulge. It serves no purpose, but to take the joy out of my life. Like a bad relationship, either intimate, familial, or friend, I will not let you do to me those things for which I know are bad. It doesn’t matter who you are to me, you will mean nothing if I see fit.

I wont eat eggs that are scrambled or have a runny yolk, and if I order them in a diner and they come out any other way I ordered them, they will go back. I won’t be nasty but I will politely say to redo them the way I ordered.  I dated a guy in my late 20’s that asked the silliest question one morning as he was making us breakfast…

“How do you like your eggs?”
“Whatever way you’re having them” I said.
“No that’s not how you answer that question. You need to know how you like your eggs cooked. If you can’t tell someone how you like your eggs, how can you tell them what else you like. Don’t just go with the flow, ask for what you want and you will get it. If they can’t give it to you, move on, you deserve better than the crap they have to offer you.”

If I order 2 eggs over medium, I expect to get runny yolk and a cooked white. Yes I expect it. I want to dip my eggs into that blissfully seductive creamy yolk, and if I have a good piece of gluten free bread with me I want to dunk that shit too! I expect it, if I order over easy then runny crap it will be. And I don’t like runny crappy eggs.

“Life is like: How do you like your eggs? If you can’t express that, what else are you willing to settle for? You’ll just get whatever the fuck the world wants to give you”

Don’t settle for that crap!!

I don’t know it all, and will never claim to, but I know a lot of things about a lot of things and I wont engage in a conversation if I don’t think I know what I’m fucking talking about. I’m not wasting my time, breath or energy just to hear myself speak, and I wont waste yours either. What’s the point in that? Although I know plenty of people who will talk about everything and anything under the sun just for some attention. Don’t be that kind of person. If you can’t engage in a conversation either with well informed information, or a desire to learn from the topic, don’t waste valuable time.

What I’ve learned at 41 is that there is still a ton of other shit to learn. Yes I’ve got wisdom, experience, failures, and achievements under my belt, but Life, my life is far from over buddy. So that means I’ve got a hell of a lot more things to learn in the next 40+ years of this crazy ride called life. So yeah, I’ve probably learned 40 things in 40 years, but really take every day of your life, the life you’re blessed to live, to learn as much as humanly possible.

I still have that book in me. The one I’ve really wanted to write my whole life. But I’ve got to get to the point of figuring out why I wont write the damn thing. Am I to worried I’ll hurt peoples feelings, stir up some emotions that maybe are better left buried with the now deceased? Or should I just throw caution to the wind, dig out the old notebook, and continue what I once started. It is a story worth telling, at least from my perspective, and one that might help others. I just need to get out of my own way with this one, that I have learned can be the biggest obstacle in ones life. The self imposed boundaries.

I’m here re learning, or trying once again, how to crochet. 16 years ago my Mom tried teaching me. Right after my car accident. Hell I had plenty of time on my hands, although I really wasn’t there mentally at the time to comprehend the intricate details of chain, double chain crochet stitches, but I tried. I failed. I had no patience. So here I am Trying again. Remember in the beginning I said at least I can say I fucking try. And try you should to. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, don’t settle for the status quo, or the self imposed barriers you place on yourself.

See I still suck at crochet, but I’ll pull it apart yet again, and start over. I’m not about to quit learning and figuring out what works best for me.

So here’s a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me. Here’s to 41 fabulously crazy, funny, happy, sad, angry, uncertain, confusing, earth shattering, blissfully challenging, amazing fucking years! And the rest of the years I’ll be blessed to experience that are ahead of me.

 

xo Paula ❤

 

Remember…

When thoughts from your past
float through the atmosphere,
invading the quiet crevices of your mind,
they tend to leave little remnants behind.

Unbeknownst to you, they seep on through
taking hold at the most inopportune times,
a nagging reminder that you must address,
unless you choose to acquiesce.

Why is it within moments of pure joy and bliss
fear, worry, doubt, and unworthiness set in
What fans the burning fires of the flames
Is it within ourselves that we should lay blame

Self sabotage, wreaking havoc
lay it all to rest
snuff out the burning ember,
and please try to remember…

You deserve this happiness

photo credit: Cover via photopin (license)

The common denominator is you.

Here I sit, patiently reviewing my Facebook stats. Confusion sets in, but at least I have a home made gluten free blueberry muffin and an “I ❤ You a Latte” cappuccino. It’s the latte flavor, but with extra EXTRA cappuccino foam, no whip cream. Just the way I like it. And look at that awesome latte artwork from one of my favorite baristas! It’s perfect on this chilly Thursday morning as I’m peering through the heart window clings gracing and inviting in the next holiday.

Valentine’s Day.

Ah, a year later and look where we are. Last year this time I was single, happy in many ways, filled with love, even if I was single.  I still feel the same way, about oversharing some aspects of ones relationship. When you only see happy comments about the love of someones life, or even the constant sharing of how horrible it is to be single, how all men are alike, that men read from the same instruction manual, that you constantly have the same outcome when it comes to your dating life, even if you seek relationships with different guys.

“Oh he’s not like the other guys”

Then weeks later after you’ve hooked up….

“I haven’t heard from him in days, I send text messages and he doesn’t reply, he’s busy with work, his dog, his kids, his mother. I don’t know what I did. I thought this one was different”

News flash, he just might have been different. The common denominator = YOU.

You’re still the same person with this guy as you were with the last. And the guy before him, and the one before that other guy, and the other one.

Get it yet.

Until you start changing your relationship patterns, you will continue to get the same results.

The same sentiment holds true for anything you are doing. If you constantly do the same things over and over again, you will constantly get the same results over and over again.

A vicious cycle, no?

Why is it that as women, the fall to comment is…Why are all men exactly the same?

Sure some of them are only looking for one thing, some women also are this way. But sometimes, it’s not him, it’s you. Ask yourself these questions, and really think about the answers you give yourself.

• Are you comfortable in your own skin?
• Are you seeking validation from someone?
• Do you have your shit together?
• Are you confident in yourself and what you have to offer a partner?
• Do you feel worthy of a healthy relationship?
• Do you think sex will keep him, or make him want you more?

Now think long and hard about your answers. If you need validation from someone else that you are worthy of a healthy, happy relationship, you need to go back to the drawing board and work on yourself respect, and your self confidence. Using another person, yes this is using them, to fill that void you can’t seem to do on your own, does no one any good. Except in the heat of the moment, because you think that having sex with them will keep them around. Sure, it might keep them for a while, until someone else who is exactly like you, but might be skinnier, longer hair, taller, blah blah blah walks past their wandering eye and they move on to the next girl that might have your same mindset.

Don’t do that to yourself!! Don’t let your insecurities push you into doing something that you just might regret later on.

We all want love, companionship, sex with someone we feel we connect with on a deeper level. Some people want the one time deals, or friends with benefits, and that’s fine if that’s what works for you BOTH. But please for the Love of everything gluten free, don’t blame it all on everyone else, when you have got to know deep down inside that there is something that you’re doing to sabotage your own happiness.

Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship, maybe you’re just like all the rest of them, and you’re reading from the same manual. Flip the switch and all that you see men doing to you, you just might be doing to yourself. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from a situation to see the broader picture. Being so focused on one particular speck of dirt, that you miss the whole pile.

There is a clear distinction between needing and wanting. If you NEED someone to complete you, to make you feel worthy, to make you feel wanted, you really NEED to work on yourself first, so that what you WANT isn’t what you NEED. You WANT a companion, you don’t NEED one. You need water to survive, you want coffee to feel good.

Never place your value, or your fulfillment upon someone else’s presence in your life.

What happens when they leave, or when they die perhaps, if your relationship eventually gets to the point of more than a casual thing. What happens then. Do you die as well because your existence is purely based upon them. You need to be whole, to survive when alone, to be able to go on in the face of adversity and the here after.

Want love and companionship for all the right reasons, because you’re worth it!

So when you think of Valentine’s Day, and you’re either in a relationship, or not, have love for the day and what it signifies. Have love for yourself first and foremost. Because self love, self respect, self acceptance, and self worth, are far more precious and valuable than all the chocolate candy filled hearts, bouquets of flowers, and jewels anyone can give you on February, 14th. Because if you don’t have those rare items the other 364/5 days of the year, you don’t have much.

So attached or not, go get yourself some of that stuff. NOW.

 

 

 

 

 

Be her, on your own.

I am far from a relationship expert, but I have quite a few years and experiences behind me to know a few things. To learn from the past and have that ah ha moment hit you over the head when you see something happening with your own relationships, and with those relationships around you. Not to the point where you pass judgement, but to the point where if you are asked questions, opinions, or advice you can give it because you’ve been there.

I see to many women, myself included at one point or another, who for whatever reasons self esteem or unworthiness included, they put too much value in what others think of them. Don’t ever base your self worth upon someone else’s ideology of you. Embrace your badassness, curves, hair, the crook of your lip, or tilt of your nose. You are who you are and no one should make you want change yourself.

You should only want to make changes because YOU do, not to appease someone else. Not because someone thinks it will be better for you. Or because someone assumes your weight, height, or color of your hair determines the person you are. All those things are superficial.

All too often I see women who fall into the trap of feeling the need to conform to the pressure of change. Sure a healthy lifestyle is optimal. Be healthy, happy, comfortable, and confident as the woman you are. Don’t let a man dictate how you should look or how you should view yourself. Never base your self worth on the worthiness others might place on you. I will also add, as a woman, if you don’t want to be criticized, ridiculed, or picked apart like a piece of meat, don’t do it to men either. It’s a two way street. Don’t try to change him and he shouldn’t try to change you. If you prefer a particular look or feel in a partner, then seek that kind of partner, but first…

Be that kind of partner.

If you want a like minded partner, you first must be at that stage in your life. If you want a man that has his shit together, then be a woman who has her shit together. If you want a man that is your equal, then be his equal. If you want a man who is healthy, happy, comfortable in his body, and appearance…then you need to be accepting of yourself as well.

“I don’t want a partner to complete me, I want a partner to complement me. One who enhances the best of me, and I of them!”

I have over the years heard things like:

“I want a guy that I can hang out with, one who is exciting and likes to go places like on an adventure”

I would like to ask…are you a woman who does that stuff on your own already and are looking for a guy to join you? Or are you a woman who wants this to happen but the only way it will is if you have someone encourage you or push you to do it?

If your answer is the latter, then my dear you need to work on yourself. Don’t wait for someone to come into your life to do it for you.

If you want to go on adventures, if you want to go on a road trip, or dancing in the city. GO AND DO IT! Be that woman on your own! You can do it. You have it in you. You just need to get off your ass and find a way to light your own spark.

Nothing wrong with doing new things with your partner by any means. You might find some fun activity you never knew before. But for heavens sake, if you have dreams of doing something, something you think your passionate about…

Don’t wait for Mr. Right to help you achieve it. Work towards it yourself. The old saying, confidence is key, really is a gem. Because confident women, really are bad ass women who respect themselves, and go after what they want. They are comfortable in their own skin, they strive to be the best self possible.

This may seem like a random post starting off about relationship dynamics to self respect and self esteem, but in reality they are intricately linked together. For if you are not projecting your best self, you can not attract the best in others. If you need a partner to make you the person you think you should be, you need to reevaluate your life’s path. Work on your best self, whatever you want her to be. If you want her to be an adventurer, a self confident woman in her own skin, an entertainer, a risk taker, a lover, a well rounded happy, healthy, woman. Then do what you need to do to get her to her prime position. There’s nothing wrong with enhancing who you are by the people you surround yourself with and who you have relationships with, but don’t rely on them to make you the person you want to be.

Be her, on your own.

 

 

 

 

 

A to Z Challenge, This Zaftig girl ROCKS!

Autoschediastic by nature
with an inner Beauty flowing forth,
only by balancing her Chakras
will her Dreams become reality

A strong Epithymy for the deepest wants and needs,
this Fit Fat Fabulous Female
who is strictly Gluten Free
finds pleasure and Happiness in the most peculiar things

Her Intuition and Instincts must be set free
As she’s Jammin along to this thing called life
She never lets the Keraunophobia or other fears
stand in the way of pure Limerance

With a strong will and Motivation
instilled years before from her Nonna
she will forever Open her house and heart
to those wandering souls of the world

A Pluviophile at heart
and a self-proclaimed Quirky girl
forever with Romance on her mind,
Self confidence and Typhlobasia will remain her work of art

Unbroken by the trials of life
but suffering a case of Vernalagnia
and sometimes, Writers block
she often has needs for an Xscape

With no need for men
who are Yemeles with their kisses
This Zaftig girl
ROCKS!

The final post for the April 2015 A to Z challenge is brought to you by the letter Z.

ZAFTIG~ A woman possessing a voluptuous figure, curvaceous, plump, 1930s: Yiddish, from German saftig ‘juicy.’

A to Z Challenge Y for Yemeles

Shattered pieces strewn about

Displayed ever so gracefully

Tiny cracks in the surface

Cleverly disguised from the naked eye

Yet capable of holding so much

Crevices, like the curves on my body

Piercing light cascading in

Overflowing with fears and doubts

Filling beyond the brim

Kindness, love, hopes, and dreams

All dashed in a fleeting moment

It came as a crushing blow

How was I to know

You would be yemeles

With your kiss

In that moment anger swelled

But with time it’s been quelled

There’s much peace in letting go

photo credit: Sleepy via photopin (license)

Today’s A to Z challenge is brought to you by the letter Y. Y for ~

Yemeles
Adj. – An Old English and Middle English word meaning “careless, heedless, negligent” – Pronounced as “yeem-lis,”

A to Z Challenge. S is for Self(ie) Confidence!

Self confidence. Boy is this one a hard subject. Before the A to Z Challenge started, I had this idea. A 30 day Selfie challenge, for myself. (pictures below)

Basically to get over the idea of how horrible  I feel I look in selfies. I don’t like taking pictures of myself, although I will take a few here and there. Part of the reasons I dislike my selfies are:

1. I hate the puffiness/bags under my eyes
2. The II lines that have settled between my eyebrows
3. Little crowfeet, I guess, that are creeping up at the outer edges of my eyes
4. The odd smile I make when I’m posing for a picture
5. My nose that is a little wider when I’m smiling
6. Freckles that appear sometime in March each year
7. The way my upper lip is higher on my right side
8. My widows peak

It’s both a combination of the way I see myself, and things I sometimes, not all the times, wish I could change, and my iPhone 4 camera.

What, if anything, did I think this challenge would teach me at the end of it?

I had absolutely no clue. I could have learned techniques for taking the Perfect Selfie. Apparently there are tutorials for getting the perfect selfie. I didn’t do this. Who cares how to take the perfect selfie?… You’d be surprised.

“Go from this angle, get it from up higher it will make your face look smaller, your eyes look less puffy, use this filter on it your skin will have this airy glow, adjust the settings, blah blah blah” Ok so tell me this dear wise one… What the heck happens, when someone meets you in REAL LIFE, and there is no help from an angled, over filtered photo? Yep you’ll be looked at like, whoa, hmmm who are you again?

Yes I’m discussing this as part of being out there in the dating world. I’ve been told quite often, I look exactly like my photos when they meet me in person. Well thank you, kindly.

So, you’re probably wondering what the heck did she get out of this “challenge” Simply put, some boost in my self-confidence, a wider range of self acceptance, and a less critical/narrower view of myself.

Earlier I mentioned how horrible  I feel I look in selfies. To be clear ~I don’t hate myself, I don’t loath my body, my appearance, etc. I value what I’ve gone through in life to get to this point, and I always consider myself an ever evolving work in progress. When someone points out my age, as in I’m old or something, I embrace it, I own it!!  But when I’m told I don’t look my age, it’s a lovely complement… and one I am working on accepting.

This is part of the reason behind this little challenge. The acceptance factor. Which brings us to….Numbers 6 & 8 above, are unique to me, like snowflakes and stars in the sky, as are my freckles. Numbers 1-3, 5 & 7 they come from the ability to have lived a life where #4 has been a huge part of it. Through all the crap, I still choose to smile. I’ve laughed, lived, earned those lines, puffiness, and all of those wonderous paint strokes that make me the beautiful masterpiece I am today!!

No more of~ the picture isn’t perfect. My hair isn’t in the right place. My smile is crooked. My puffiness is so bad because I didn’t sleep last night (btw I’ve had those bags since I was born lol). I’ve realized things about myself and actually started to enjoy the way I looked in these pictures.

A photo captures a moment in time, but life is meant to be lived in moments, but more than just one. A multitude of moments is what make us the unique people we are. We aren’t defined by a moment in time, nor should we be defined by a selfie.

These are my selfies over the last 30 days. They are viewed L~R in each of the collages, Some are better than others, some are worse maybe, but they are all me. The further along on this little journey I grew to be less conscious of how I looked, and just enjoying the moment, embracing MYSELF!

3/23/15-3/28

3/29-4/3

4/4-4/9

4/10-4/15

4/16-4/21

I’m sure you’re getting tired of looking at all these photos by now, but thank you for taking this little journey with me.

Today’s A to Z Challenge post is brought to you by the letter S. Self(ie) Confidence. Go find yours!!!

What can come of this?

What I don’t say
Is sometimes more
Earth shattering
Than the words
I do speak

But to spare
The pain
I refrain

Constantly
Holding on
Holding in

Until I’m ready
To burst
At the seams

No good
Can come of this
Yet you
Still insist

Prodding

Pushing

Prying

Please!

What I don’t say
What I should say
What I shouldn’t keep inside

What can come of this?

If we were having coffee, the ~ I really wish it was stronger edition…

If we were having coffee it’s been a long and worrisome night so I’m taking a large iced with caramel sauce and a gluten free Brookie. It’s a combo of a cookie and a brownie and it’s sorely needed. I saved you a seat at the local shop so grab a cuppa whatever your pleasure and join me for some chit chat

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

As I’m typing this, the empty chair I saved for you was just occupied by a handsome stranger. Seeing me on my phone (I’m typing up my post) he use the opportunity to just sit down and strike up a conversation…

” Hello, I couldn’t help but notice you from across the shop and I was wondering why I haven’t received your text message yet. I see you sending one and my phone hasn’t rang. My name is Charlie, may I ask what yours is?”

Well let’s just say that totally surprised me! Of course I told him my name, but when he asked for my number I admit I lied and said I was dating someone already. He remarked “He’s a very lucky man.”  I was extremely flattered and thought it was very nice, but I absolutely am not feeling pretty today. I had maybe 3 hours sleep, was told numerous times today that I looked exhausted, and well this was out of the blue. But then again I never see myself as pretty on most days which I know isn’t a good attitude to have to begin with, but I am and have been working on that over the last few weeks and I’m making some progress. Apparently, when I’m feeling my least attractive, or even when I’m totally not looking persay, is when these random acts happen.

Although he was handsome, I admit I am not in my right frame of mind right now. I do believe I probably would have reacted similarly had I not been dealing with the craziness of last night. Which brings me to last night…

At 4:30 am I woke up from a choking fit. As I was fixing my pajama pant leg that had gotten twisted, I felt what I thought was a beauty mark on the back of my knee. It was, I thought coming off, but it wasn’t coming off. So I turn on the light and what do my eyes see…

A TICK!!.

A nasty, gross, repulsive, tick burried in my calf muscle. I panicked started sweating profusely, and turned to my phone to see how to remoe it safely. After waking Mom & Twinkle Toes, and almost a half hour trying to get it out, I semi succeeded. Here I am almost 12 hours later with a little piece of it left in my leg 😦 I saved the little bugger and will go to the doctor in Monday. Hopefully this isn’t a lymes tick although they are prevelant out here and apparently after this harsh winter they are expected to thrive. Just wonderful news for the girl who loves to walk in the woods. But I am hoping it won’t stop me from my enjoyment and the peace I get from out in nature.

It is stopping me today. It is beautiful out. About 68 degrees and would have been perfect weather for a hike. But I’m relaxing at the coffee shop and just got up for my second large iced coffee w caramel sauce. Yeah it’s one of THOSE days.

So tell me how you’ve been? Did you take a look t my OPEN HOUSE? If you haven’t yet, you really should. It will remain open all weekend. Check out some new blogs and add yours to the link as well.

I’d tell you that the A to Z challenge has been coming along nicely. Although I notice I’m concentrating more on those posts than my normal posts. BUT I have been getting in the habit of posting daily so I’m happy about that. And I’m really having fun learning new things and finding new blogs.

Ok looks like our time here is up. I do have some things to do today, and maybe after this coffee I’ll hop on down to the beach for a little fresh air, clear my head and just relax a little bit.

The Weekend Coffee Share is the brain child of Diana at PartTimeMonster join us and tell us about what your week has been like! Take a few minuites and catch up with the other bloggers over at the Linky 

Enjoy your weekend!