I am that friend.

img_0480Do you have a friend who seems distant, not themselves?

Do you feel neglected, like you don’t know them anymore?

Well, there’s something I wish people understood. Maybe that friend who seems to have fallen off the face of the earth isn’t ignoring you, purposely. Maybe they are trying to deal with their own shit, and by becoming quiet, reclusive, distant, etc. is their way of dealing.

Even if it seems not to be their “normal” reaction, maybe their new normal is qute taxing. It seems easy enough to reach out and ask, “How have you been, I haven’t heard from you in a while, is everythig ok?”

Instead of reacting “Oh *insert name here* doesn’t want to be bothered with me anymore because life must be grand!”

Don’t make it about you, until you ask and find out.

Sometimes people retreat because they really don’t know what to do, and they’re just going through the motions of life as best they can.

Moral of the story…ask, don’t assume, you might be surprised, and you just might be offering a saving hand.

 

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I woke up this morning and realized, I am that friend.

Through no intentional fault of my own, I have become that person.

Life gets in the way. Life is not always rainbows and unicorns, I say this constantly. Life is an ever evolving work in progress, and sometimes, our progress stalls, crashes down around us, and… we retreat.

Why do we do this?

I’ve no clue.

But it happens. Then one day you finally realize it, and you find yourself saying WTF! How did I let this happen? What was the turning point?

And then you see it, maybe there was no one specific thing, it was all the little things in life taking space, taking precedence. Life as you knew it had changed, and a new world order took over. Head first into the abyss, and you either sink, or swim, or hold on to the edge of the pool…and hope your bathing suit doesn’t fall off.

This is not a WOE is me tale, this is a WHOA is me tale.

whoa

Big difference. It has a mixture of woe’s and whoa’s. But what a more compassionate world this would be if more people took the time to ask “How are you doing?” instead of being on the defensive. I know this isn’t always the case, and some people are downright rude and obnoxious, only thinking about themselves, and truly couldn’t give a rats ass about you and your problems, so they ignore you. Yet a lot of people walk this earth daily, putting on a brave face so no one is the wiser to their turmoil. It takes a lot of work to put on that brave face, and sometimes that brave face takes all the effort some people can muster.

But remember, not everyone is the same. Not everyone deals with trials like you do. So ask, ask the next time you feel slighted.

What do you have to lose? The friendship that is no longer serving your well being? So be it if that is the case, because then You will benefit in the end by freeing yourself of a toxic relationship. Isn’t that refreshing? Isn’t that glorious, to free yourself of what weighs you down?

BUT if by you reaching out for a few moments of a conversation to a friend who seems distant, helps them from teetering on the edge of the abyss, then aren’t both of you better off in the end?

I think the answer is quite simple, don’t you?

 

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Sweetness among the sorrows

imageLife.

It’s a cycle we all go through. Some longer than others, some without issues, some with major devastating ones. Disease, struggle, hardships, ups & downs. We all have a certain baggage if you will.

Life as we know it is full of sweetness and sorrow. Just wish the sweetness would outweigh the sorrows so many are suffering.

It’s a given we are born, and we die. But all too often, and much more recently in my lifetime, there has been more loss. Could it be because I’m aging and am more aware of life’s sometimes short cycle? Could it be that I’m just more aware of it and it’s been ongoing for far too long? I’m not sure what the answer is, but honestly the amount of loss so many of my friends and acquaintances are going through is tearing at my heartstrings. I’m not trying to sound trite, or without compassion, coming up with flippant comment. It truly is heartbreaking to see the loss that is happening daily. Either on a personal closer to home scale, and the far more widespread world scale.

It seems as if life is coming full circle. I’m in the position my mother was/is in. Instead of seeing family or friends at weddings and baby showers, it’s at funerals.

Siblings, parents, spouses, children, loved ones in so many ways are passing more frequently. It’s a stark reminder that life is too short and can pass you by in the blink of an eye. Parents are aging, freak accidents happen.

Life…happens. And then it doesn’t.

And it leaves you with the ultimate question. Why?

I’m usually not at a loss for words. But sometimes, especially during times like this, words escape me. I can say how sorry I am for your loss, I can offer words of sympathy for you and your grieving family, I can tell you to take comfort in their memory and that they are at peace. Which are all heartfelt sentiments that I wish for you. But nothing in life truly prepares you for how those words you say, or type, come across to the one receiving them. Those words of comfort can often feel absent of compassion. Because it’s like putting a price value on a life. How can you sum up the loss of a dear loved one in a simple “So sorry for your loss”? It’s simple, and truthful, and we can only hope understood.

In our lifetime, we all deal with sorrow among the sweetness. Sadly, as we are getting older it seems sorrow has been taking the lead. Life can prepare us for the inevitable, but only in theory. It’s the final act that tests our limits and acceptance. I am saddened beyond words the last few weeks at the amount of loss that has hit people who surround me, either close friends, or mere acquaintances. Lives taken too soon, without a warning, or even those who we feel have beaten the odds countless times and without a doubt will persevere yet again. They have lost their battles, and leave the world left behind sweeter for their presence during their time in it, yet full of sorrow for their future absence. ❀

My wish for you during your time of grieving, is to find… sweetness among the sorrows.

 

 

Nature vs. Nurture, thank you for your compliment anyway

pregnant-woman-1130611_640No matter where I go there are children all around. A store, a park, even just now while I’m at the coffee shop trying to write a post for the day. Kids are everywhere. And they are drawn to me like a magnet. It’s all good, and I will happily oblige a curious conversation, play with a dolly, or action figure, read a line from a book that’s sitting nearby, and even listen to baby babble that hardly anyone can understand.

Kids have always seen me, smiled, and started engaging with me for as long as I can remember. I would be told “You just have a way with them, a demeanor they can feel comfortable with. Kids are like animals, if they sense something bad or off with you, they will let you know.”

Just now, as I sipped my Iced Cinnamon Americano, thinking about writing about what NOT to say to a woman who doesn’t have children of her own at my age, a little girl no more than 2 years old decided to walk away from her mother’s side and come sit with me at my table.

She stood by the table side and showed me her dolly. Baby Doll is her name. Baby Doll wanted to read the stories that were in the Coffee Book. The ones that tell you all about coffee beans from harvest to poured in your cup. Obviously, the little girl didn’t know what the book entailed but she wanted to read it. So I happily started going through the book she handed me, as she pulled the empty seat out and started to climb up to have a seat and listen to the story I would read. All while mom was apologetic for her daughters intrusion of my personal space.

I assured mom that all was good and I was happy to read to her daughter. So we flipped through the book (which is a photo album) and as I’m holding the book, and Baby Doll, I started to create a story which was more on her level of understanding than the technical aspect of harvesting beans.

“See this picture right here, this is a coffee bean. Once it’s grown up they take the bean and make the coffee that your Mommy and I are drinking right now.”

“Mmmmm coffee.” she says with a smile on her face.

As Mom is still apologizing for the intrusion. I assure her again that had I had a better book to read, and she didn’t mind, I would have happily entertained her; as I love to see children reading. Mom so happened to have “Goodnight Moon” in her free hand. We laughed a little and she said…

“You must be an awesome Mom for sure! Thank you for taking time to read to her, and not be totally annoyed by the interruption. Your kids are really lucky to have you as a Mom”

I honestly didn’t know what to say except, thank you.

Do I reply “Oh I don’t have kids” and make the person feel bad for assuming?

It was in that moment I just took the compliment and thanked her for it. I have often said, I am not a mom by nature, but by nurture I sure as hell am. I’ve mothered many children over the years, and although I don’t hold that title specifically I do almost everything a mother does, except for birthing and breast-feeding.

Let me be clear, I was not offended at all by the compliment and kind words of this stranger. Her observation of my caring nature, made her associate me with a mother. That’s totally fine. In fact I found her statement to be quite nice, and was definitely appreciative of what she said. However, at my age, I’ve heard many comments about why I don’t have children. Questioning the reasons why there are no little ones running around. Just as a pregnant woman gets tired of all the questions regarding breast or bottle, names, staying home or going back to work, and the list goes on. Still not sure what gives someone the right to question and ask why. That becomes annoying. Just like asking how much money someone has in the bank, or what their weight is, or any other possibly intrusive questions you could think of.

Why do you have the need to ask

  • Why or why not?
  • Is it a choice?
  • Can you not have children?
  • If you can have them, why wouldn’t you want them?
  • Why haven’t you had any yet?
  • You’re getting old, the clock is running out.
  • Don’t you want to go through the experience of having a baby?
  • Don’t you want to make your Mom a Grandma?
  • Don’t you want to be called Mom?
  • It’s not fair you have to raise someone elses children but not have any of your own, why wouldn’t you want to have your own too? Β *Let me clear this one up before someone jumps to conclusions~ I don’t raise my boyfriends children, they have a Mom & Dad. I am Dad’s Girlfriend. I am around a lot, and I care deeply about these boys, but I will never replace their Mom. She is, and always will be, Mom. I’m an extra special person that cares and loves them unconditionally, because I want to, not because I have to.Β 

People chose to judge, jump to conclusions, and place their own self-proclaimed feelings, thoughts, wants and/or needs (that might even be their own truths/issues that they are fearful of acknowledging) upon someone else. It’s called projecting.

IMG_5890-0My capacity to love, care, nurture, etc. has no bearing on whether or not I give birth to a child.Β Nature does not need to provide me a biological child for me to be a nurturing woman.

That solely has to do with my nature, capacity to love, and my personality.

It’s also my body, my choice, maybe or maybe not, and a collective decision made by two adults on what they want/need, can/can’t have in their relationship. If you must cast judgement or just have a curious nature, maybe broach your question with some care and a little class so you don’t come across like a nosy little ass!

 

 

 

 

My Mom Loves Meghan Trainor’s NO song

Thanks Megan TrainorHeading out to my doctor’s appointment the other day and my mom was my co pilot. I haven’t seen much of her lately, it’s sad but true, I’ve been neglecting quality time with her and I miss it terribly. Although she does get on my nerves as all wonderful mothers do πŸ˜‰ yesterday was like any other day with her. Except we were having a disagreement over the freaking radio of all things.

When I go to the doctor, especially the gynecologist I need to destress and make sure my blood pressure is under control. I don’t know why but it goes higher when I get there. I love my doctor he is really great, I think it’s just being there kinda thing, I mean think about it no one really likes going to the gyno. Right? lol.

As we’re mosying along listening to the radio, catching up with each other over our cups of coffee, I’m channel surfing on the radio. I hate every song that’s playing, it’s irritating the fuck out of me, if it’s not some old school rap or Whitney Houston song that’s blasting, it’s some funky country tune and it’s all like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Then pops Meghan Trainor’s “NO” song and I give it a second or two and hit the search function. Not realizing Mom is singing along to Meghan! WTF

My name is no
My sign is no
My number is no

Yes she’s singing along and all of a sudden I snap out of my trance and glance at her and start laughing.

“Seriously, Mom are you singing along, and you know the lyrics?”
“Yes, it’s a catchy song. I hear it all the time on WBLI, and well it reminds me of my younger days when I was single and would go out to the Hampton’s and party with my friends”
“Really, how so?”
“Well it’s a meat market out there, as it is almost any club or bar you’d go to. But like the song says…

Thank you, I don’t wanna dance
If I want a man, then I’ll get a man
(Paraphrasing because these aren’t the exact lyrics)

“Today’s day and age isn’t any different from it was back in the 70’s, people are the same the years have just changed. But this song is a good one, she’s got a good point. Priorities, and knowing what you want and going after it. It’s a catchy tune”

As she finishes her sentence the song which had mellowed out in the background automatically seemed to get louder…

My name is no
My sign is no
My number is no
No
No
No

She was singing along again and trails off.

“Oh boy it even reminds me of your father. At the time, I was dating a Nuclear Physicist, and working at the Adult/Nursing Home. There was a Christmas party and I had been told by the ladies in food services that he really liked me. I had absolutely no interest in him and told him to leave me alone. At the Christmas party I brought the guy I was dating and your father had the balls to come up to me and ask me to dance. The nerve of him.”

“Apparently you said yes, Mom.”

“Like the song says…NO. I told him I was with someone and I couldn’t dance with him. He wasn’t too happy, and that led to him pursuing me.”

“And here we are 41 years later…”

My Name is no
My sign is no
My number is no

Perfect timing and the song kicks in again, we both laugh and giggle and I tell her about one of the other songs Meghan Trainor wrote and how I blogged about it.

“Oh God are you gonna blog about me now, would you really do that to your, Mother? Talking about how love is blind and all that jazz. How I went for the Hippy with the long hair and ripped jeans, and left the Nuclear Physisist?Β Well one wonderful thing happened from it all, and I wouldn’t change it. If I had the chance to do it all over again I would. I got you from it so that’s like hitting the jackpot”Β She says with a smile and a glimmer in her eyes.

Yes Mom I will, and I did, because I love you. You have shown me year after year and day after day that no matter what is happening in our lives, a little musical interlude always does the soul good. Even if it’s some catchy tune by Meghan Trainor. Especially if her music can spark a memory of yours and we can share in that memory.

Thanks Meghan Trainor. I never thought I’d say those words before.

Wisdom Wednesday

#AtoZChallenge X-Marks the spot

Life is a journey. We can all agree with that statement. One of wonderful possibilities, if and when we choose to embark upon it.

Often times we feel we are held back by obstacles out of our immediate control, or by forces that interfere within our life, kinks in the master plan if you will. But what if those kinks are all part of the master plan? The plan we are not allowed to know where X marks the spot. We don’t always know where our destination is, sometimes it’s not within our control.

It is, possibly… predestined.Β image

Life isn’t like your summer vacation, where you pick and choose the hotel, airline, food, entertainment, etc. Sure you can lay out an itinerary of sorts, but be aware that even within the best laid plans, things pop up and plans change. Kinks in the master plan on your way to buried treasure.

Throw caution to the wind, accept the changes when things go awry and move on to the next location. You will get to your destination within the right amount of time, and along the proper path, even if at times it looks like the worst path possible. Sometimes we need to go through the rubbish. Enjoy the process, even in the midst of the garbage thrown your way.

So, where does your treasure map lead you? Do you know the path with which you’ll choose? The easy paved road? Or the one with gravel, dirt, and mud?
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At the end of the day, which ever path you partake upon, have sturdy shoes, a strong will, and an open mind and heart. For whatever is thrown your way, handle it with pride and strength, it will get you through thick and thin. And for all the garbage thrown your way, you will appreciate the treasure at the end that much more.

Remember that rainbows need rain as do flowers to bloom.

#AtoZChallenge R is for Roman Payne

I’m in love with Roman Payne quotes, just as much as I am in love with Rumi quotes. Something about the way they have with words just ignites within me a passion for words themselves, if that’s at all possible.

Below are a sampling of quotes from Roman Payne’s, The Wanderess.

Just as a painter paints, and a ponderer pondersa writer writes,and a wanderer wanders

“A gothic mystery novel and story of passion and romance set against the backdrop of a timeless Mediterranean landscape, The Wanderess tells of the notorious adventurer Saul and his passion for the beautiful Saskia, a mysterious young orphan girl whom he meets and vows to protect as his child.Β The Wanderess is a love story, a novel of heroism, friendship and romance, portraying the lives of two unsettled vagabonds led by their own strange desires, mutual obsessions, and one single fortune.” Amazon

Wanderss quote

Wanderess=Wanderlust there’s no wonder why I have an affinity for, The Wanderess.

β€œAs for you girls, you must risk everything for Freedom, and give everything for Passion, loving everything that your hearts and your bodies love. The only thing higher for a girl and more sacred for a young woman than her freedom and her passion should be her desire to make her life into poetry, surrendering everything she has to create a life as beautiful as the dreams that dance in her imagination.” Roman Payne.