The common denominator is you.

Here I sit, patiently reviewing my Facebook stats. Confusion sets in, but at least I have a home made gluten free blueberry muffin and an “I ❤ You a Latte” cappuccino. It’s the latte flavor, but with extra EXTRA cappuccino foam, no whip cream. Just the way I like it. And look at that awesome latte artwork from one of my favorite baristas! It’s perfect on this chilly Thursday morning as I’m peering through the heart window clings gracing and inviting in the next holiday.

Valentine’s Day.

Ah, a year later and look where we are. Last year this time I was single, happy in many ways, filled with love, even if I was single.  I still feel the same way, about oversharing some aspects of ones relationship. When you only see happy comments about the love of someones life, or even the constant sharing of how horrible it is to be single, how all men are alike, that men read from the same instruction manual, that you constantly have the same outcome when it comes to your dating life, even if you seek relationships with different guys.

“Oh he’s not like the other guys”

Then weeks later after you’ve hooked up….

“I haven’t heard from him in days, I send text messages and he doesn’t reply, he’s busy with work, his dog, his kids, his mother. I don’t know what I did. I thought this one was different”

News flash, he just might have been different. The common denominator = YOU.

You’re still the same person with this guy as you were with the last. And the guy before him, and the one before that other guy, and the other one.

Get it yet.

Until you start changing your relationship patterns, you will continue to get the same results.

The same sentiment holds true for anything you are doing. If you constantly do the same things over and over again, you will constantly get the same results over and over again.

A vicious cycle, no?

Why is it that as women, the fall to comment is…Why are all men exactly the same?

Sure some of them are only looking for one thing, some women also are this way. But sometimes, it’s not him, it’s you. Ask yourself these questions, and really think about the answers you give yourself.

• Are you comfortable in your own skin?
• Are you seeking validation from someone?
• Do you have your shit together?
• Are you confident in yourself and what you have to offer a partner?
• Do you feel worthy of a healthy relationship?
• Do you think sex will keep him, or make him want you more?

Now think long and hard about your answers. If you need validation from someone else that you are worthy of a healthy, happy relationship, you need to go back to the drawing board and work on yourself respect, and your self confidence. Using another person, yes this is using them, to fill that void you can’t seem to do on your own, does no one any good. Except in the heat of the moment, because you think that having sex with them will keep them around. Sure, it might keep them for a while, until someone else who is exactly like you, but might be skinnier, longer hair, taller, blah blah blah walks past their wandering eye and they move on to the next girl that might have your same mindset.

Don’t do that to yourself!! Don’t let your insecurities push you into doing something that you just might regret later on.

We all want love, companionship, sex with someone we feel we connect with on a deeper level. Some people want the one time deals, or friends with benefits, and that’s fine if that’s what works for you BOTH. But please for the Love of everything gluten free, don’t blame it all on everyone else, when you have got to know deep down inside that there is something that you’re doing to sabotage your own happiness.

Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship, maybe you’re just like all the rest of them, and you’re reading from the same manual. Flip the switch and all that you see men doing to you, you just might be doing to yourself. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from a situation to see the broader picture. Being so focused on one particular speck of dirt, that you miss the whole pile.

There is a clear distinction between needing and wanting. If you NEED someone to complete you, to make you feel worthy, to make you feel wanted, you really NEED to work on yourself first, so that what you WANT isn’t what you NEED. You WANT a companion, you don’t NEED one. You need water to survive, you want coffee to feel good.

Never place your value, or your fulfillment upon someone else’s presence in your life.

What happens when they leave, or when they die perhaps, if your relationship eventually gets to the point of more than a casual thing. What happens then. Do you die as well because your existence is purely based upon them. You need to be whole, to survive when alone, to be able to go on in the face of adversity and the here after.

Want love and companionship for all the right reasons, because you’re worth it!

So when you think of Valentine’s Day, and you’re either in a relationship, or not, have love for the day and what it signifies. Have love for yourself first and foremost. Because self love, self respect, self acceptance, and self worth, are far more precious and valuable than all the chocolate candy filled hearts, bouquets of flowers, and jewels anyone can give you on February, 14th. Because if you don’t have those rare items the other 364/5 days of the year, you don’t have much.

So attached or not, go get yourself some of that stuff. NOW.

 

 

 

 

 

Be her, on your own.

I am far from a relationship expert, but I have quite a few years and experiences behind me to know a few things. To learn from the past and have that ah ha moment hit you over the head when you see something happening with your own relationships, and with those relationships around you. Not to the point where you pass judgement, but to the point where if you are asked questions, opinions, or advice you can give it because you’ve been there.

I see to many women, myself included at one point or another, who for whatever reasons self esteem or unworthiness included, they put too much value in what others think of them. Don’t ever base your self worth upon someone else’s ideology of you. Embrace your badassness, curves, hair, the crook of your lip, or tilt of your nose. You are who you are and no one should make you want change yourself.

You should only want to make changes because YOU do, not to appease someone else. Not because someone thinks it will be better for you. Or because someone assumes your weight, height, or color of your hair determines the person you are. All those things are superficial.

All too often I see women who fall into the trap of feeling the need to conform to the pressure of change. Sure a healthy lifestyle is optimal. Be healthy, happy, comfortable, and confident as the woman you are. Don’t let a man dictate how you should look or how you should view yourself. Never base your self worth on the worthiness others might place on you. I will also add, as a woman, if you don’t want to be criticized, ridiculed, or picked apart like a piece of meat, don’t do it to men either. It’s a two way street. Don’t try to change him and he shouldn’t try to change you. If you prefer a particular look or feel in a partner, then seek that kind of partner, but first…

Be that kind of partner.

If you want a like minded partner, you first must be at that stage in your life. If you want a man that has his shit together, then be a woman who has her shit together. If you want a man that is your equal, then be his equal. If you want a man who is healthy, happy, comfortable in his body, and appearance…then you need to be accepting of yourself as well.

“I don’t want a partner to complete me, I want a partner to complement me. One who enhances the best of me, and I of them!”

I have over the years heard things like:

“I want a guy that I can hang out with, one who is exciting and likes to go places like on an adventure”

I would like to ask…are you a woman who does that stuff on your own already and are looking for a guy to join you? Or are you a woman who wants this to happen but the only way it will is if you have someone encourage you or push you to do it?

If your answer is the latter, then my dear you need to work on yourself. Don’t wait for someone to come into your life to do it for you.

If you want to go on adventures, if you want to go on a road trip, or dancing in the city. GO AND DO IT! Be that woman on your own! You can do it. You have it in you. You just need to get off your ass and find a way to light your own spark.

Nothing wrong with doing new things with your partner by any means. You might find some fun activity you never knew before. But for heavens sake, if you have dreams of doing something, something you think your passionate about…

Don’t wait for Mr. Right to help you achieve it. Work towards it yourself. The old saying, confidence is key, really is a gem. Because confident women, really are bad ass women who respect themselves, and go after what they want. They are comfortable in their own skin, they strive to be the best self possible.

This may seem like a random post starting off about relationship dynamics to self respect and self esteem, but in reality they are intricately linked together. For if you are not projecting your best self, you can not attract the best in others. If you need a partner to make you the person you think you should be, you need to reevaluate your life’s path. Work on your best self, whatever you want her to be. If you want her to be an adventurer, a self confident woman in her own skin, an entertainer, a risk taker, a lover, a well rounded happy, healthy, woman. Then do what you need to do to get her to her prime position. There’s nothing wrong with enhancing who you are by the people you surround yourself with and who you have relationships with, but don’t rely on them to make you the person you want to be.

Be her, on your own.

 

 

 

 

 

Taming the Fears

self doubt rears her ugly head
when the butterflies turn to pangs of fear
the inner turmoil takes the lead

heat rising from deep within the belly
instead of the warmth of happiness
embers burning fierce with worry

what if it’s all a dream?
what if it’s going to fade?
what if it’s too good to be true?

the what if’s are the demise of all good things

the tone of voice
the moments of silence creeping in
the simple inquisitive questions filled with fear for your answers

you know better than to let it get the best of you
yet you still entertain the ideas
your imagination runs wild, when it should be tamed

you must soothe your weary soul
over things you have no control

photo credit: Cover via photopin (license)

A to Z Challenge. S is for Self(ie) Confidence!

Self confidence. Boy is this one a hard subject. Before the A to Z Challenge started, I had this idea. A 30 day Selfie challenge, for myself. (pictures below)

Basically to get over the idea of how horrible  I feel I look in selfies. I don’t like taking pictures of myself, although I will take a few here and there. Part of the reasons I dislike my selfies are:

1. I hate the puffiness/bags under my eyes
2. The II lines that have settled between my eyebrows
3. Little crowfeet, I guess, that are creeping up at the outer edges of my eyes
4. The odd smile I make when I’m posing for a picture
5. My nose that is a little wider when I’m smiling
6. Freckles that appear sometime in March each year
7. The way my upper lip is higher on my right side
8. My widows peak

It’s both a combination of the way I see myself, and things I sometimes, not all the times, wish I could change, and my iPhone 4 camera.

What, if anything, did I think this challenge would teach me at the end of it?

I had absolutely no clue. I could have learned techniques for taking the Perfect Selfie. Apparently there are tutorials for getting the perfect selfie. I didn’t do this. Who cares how to take the perfect selfie?… You’d be surprised.

“Go from this angle, get it from up higher it will make your face look smaller, your eyes look less puffy, use this filter on it your skin will have this airy glow, adjust the settings, blah blah blah” Ok so tell me this dear wise one… What the heck happens, when someone meets you in REAL LIFE, and there is no help from an angled, over filtered photo? Yep you’ll be looked at like, whoa, hmmm who are you again?

Yes I’m discussing this as part of being out there in the dating world. I’ve been told quite often, I look exactly like my photos when they meet me in person. Well thank you, kindly.

So, you’re probably wondering what the heck did she get out of this “challenge” Simply put, some boost in my self-confidence, a wider range of self acceptance, and a less critical/narrower view of myself.

Earlier I mentioned how horrible  I feel I look in selfies. To be clear ~I don’t hate myself, I don’t loath my body, my appearance, etc. I value what I’ve gone through in life to get to this point, and I always consider myself an ever evolving work in progress. When someone points out my age, as in I’m old or something, I embrace it, I own it!!  But when I’m told I don’t look my age, it’s a lovely complement… and one I am working on accepting.

This is part of the reason behind this little challenge. The acceptance factor. Which brings us to….Numbers 6 & 8 above, are unique to me, like snowflakes and stars in the sky, as are my freckles. Numbers 1-3, 5 & 7 they come from the ability to have lived a life where #4 has been a huge part of it. Through all the crap, I still choose to smile. I’ve laughed, lived, earned those lines, puffiness, and all of those wonderous paint strokes that make me the beautiful masterpiece I am today!!

No more of~ the picture isn’t perfect. My hair isn’t in the right place. My smile is crooked. My puffiness is so bad because I didn’t sleep last night (btw I’ve had those bags since I was born lol). I’ve realized things about myself and actually started to enjoy the way I looked in these pictures.

A photo captures a moment in time, but life is meant to be lived in moments, but more than just one. A multitude of moments is what make us the unique people we are. We aren’t defined by a moment in time, nor should we be defined by a selfie.

These are my selfies over the last 30 days. They are viewed L~R in each of the collages, Some are better than others, some are worse maybe, but they are all me. The further along on this little journey I grew to be less conscious of how I looked, and just enjoying the moment, embracing MYSELF!

3/23/15-3/28

3/29-4/3

4/4-4/9

4/10-4/15

4/16-4/21

I’m sure you’re getting tired of looking at all these photos by now, but thank you for taking this little journey with me.

Today’s A to Z Challenge post is brought to you by the letter S. Self(ie) Confidence. Go find yours!!!

If we were having coffee, the ~ I really wish it was stronger edition…

If we were having coffee it’s been a long and worrisome night so I’m taking a large iced with caramel sauce and a gluten free Brookie. It’s a combo of a cookie and a brownie and it’s sorely needed. I saved you a seat at the local shop so grab a cuppa whatever your pleasure and join me for some chit chat

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

As I’m typing this, the empty chair I saved for you was just occupied by a handsome stranger. Seeing me on my phone (I’m typing up my post) he use the opportunity to just sit down and strike up a conversation…

” Hello, I couldn’t help but notice you from across the shop and I was wondering why I haven’t received your text message yet. I see you sending one and my phone hasn’t rang. My name is Charlie, may I ask what yours is?”

Well let’s just say that totally surprised me! Of course I told him my name, but when he asked for my number I admit I lied and said I was dating someone already. He remarked “He’s a very lucky man.”  I was extremely flattered and thought it was very nice, but I absolutely am not feeling pretty today. I had maybe 3 hours sleep, was told numerous times today that I looked exhausted, and well this was out of the blue. But then again I never see myself as pretty on most days which I know isn’t a good attitude to have to begin with, but I am and have been working on that over the last few weeks and I’m making some progress. Apparently, when I’m feeling my least attractive, or even when I’m totally not looking persay, is when these random acts happen.

Although he was handsome, I admit I am not in my right frame of mind right now. I do believe I probably would have reacted similarly had I not been dealing with the craziness of last night. Which brings me to last night…

At 4:30 am I woke up from a choking fit. As I was fixing my pajama pant leg that had gotten twisted, I felt what I thought was a beauty mark on the back of my knee. It was, I thought coming off, but it wasn’t coming off. So I turn on the light and what do my eyes see…

A TICK!!.

A nasty, gross, repulsive, tick burried in my calf muscle. I panicked started sweating profusely, and turned to my phone to see how to remoe it safely. After waking Mom & Twinkle Toes, and almost a half hour trying to get it out, I semi succeeded. Here I am almost 12 hours later with a little piece of it left in my leg 😦 I saved the little bugger and will go to the doctor in Monday. Hopefully this isn’t a lymes tick although they are prevelant out here and apparently after this harsh winter they are expected to thrive. Just wonderful news for the girl who loves to walk in the woods. But I am hoping it won’t stop me from my enjoyment and the peace I get from out in nature.

It is stopping me today. It is beautiful out. About 68 degrees and would have been perfect weather for a hike. But I’m relaxing at the coffee shop and just got up for my second large iced coffee w caramel sauce. Yeah it’s one of THOSE days.

So tell me how you’ve been? Did you take a look t my OPEN HOUSE? If you haven’t yet, you really should. It will remain open all weekend. Check out some new blogs and add yours to the link as well.

I’d tell you that the A to Z challenge has been coming along nicely. Although I notice I’m concentrating more on those posts than my normal posts. BUT I have been getting in the habit of posting daily so I’m happy about that. And I’m really having fun learning new things and finding new blogs.

Ok looks like our time here is up. I do have some things to do today, and maybe after this coffee I’ll hop on down to the beach for a little fresh air, clear my head and just relax a little bit.

The Weekend Coffee Share is the brain child of Diana at PartTimeMonster join us and tell us about what your week has been like! Take a few minuites and catch up with the other bloggers over at the Linky 

Enjoy your weekend!

A to Z Challenge. F is for Fit Fat Fabulous Female

Ok I want to preface by saying I don’t consider myself a fat woman. I am a woman who has fat. We all have fat.

Fat is an adjective imposed by the person who sees you through their eyes. (in some cases our own as well)

Their Opinion of you.

I see myself as a Fierce Fit Fabulous Woman who happens to have a few extra curves and is damn proud of every inch of them. Sure I’m not what the doctors would say is a healthy weight for my height, I’m sure I can lose a few more pounds.

Yet I am healthy by most other medical standards. How is that even possible? A person with fat can be healthy? Have good cholesterol, great blood pressure! Yes it is possible. I may not be 100 lbs, damn I will never be 100 lbs, but that’s ok.

BUT in the same respect I have no shame for the body I possess.

WHY? ~ 

It is mine, the only one I will get. It has been, torn, tattered, battered, bruised, put through the ringer far too many times, and in unimaginable ways to recount. It has suffered loss, happiness, anger, depression, fear, hopes, and dreams. And for those exact reasons, I embrace the body for which I have brought back countless times from the brink of depression (and no doubt will continuously do) it is the body that survived a severe car accident, and many other losses for which I have yet to dive into on this blog journey. For all those reasons, and more, I embrace who I am. Extra pounds and all.

I don’t want to make this post about fat positive, or skinny shaming, or any other body issue. What I want this to be is a positive reflection for each and every one of you. Man, or Woman, to take a moment and look at yourself in the mirror. Really look at yourself. Look past the imperfections, look past the “I wish” that gleams across your eyes. And truly LOOK at yourself. See where you’ve been, how far you’ve come, and yes how far you still will/have to go. You are more than the numbers on the scale. The size of your outfit. The size that society THINKS you need to be. Be whole in your essence, be whole in your presence. Be whole in your strengths and weaknesses. For no one in this world has gone through what you have. You are far from perfect. That’s quite alright. In fact that is simply amazing. I wouldn’t want to strive for perfection, just the best version of me I can be.

I tried searching the internet for an image of a fat/overweight woman who was also fit, fabulous and fierce. Well let’s just say I couldn’t find one. What would come up was either porn(ish), a judgemental meme of crap, or an advertisement. I didn’t want and advertisement. I wanted a REAL woman. Not airbrushed, no Photoshop. Just natural curves in all their glory. Hard subject to find. Maybe if I perused some people’s instagram or tumblr feeds?

So instead I will leave you with these photos. You take from them what you wish.

Clockwise. 2009/2009/2012/2014/14/14

All the versions of my perfectly imperfect body!

My 2nd 5K (walking)

Today’s A to Z Challenge is the letter F.~ F for Fit Fat Fabulous Female. You can still be considered fat, yet have strength that outnumbers other body forms. 🙂

Upside down, right side up, inside out…

I’ve been feeling all out of sorts the last few weeks.

Not exactly sure where the uneasy feeling is coming from. Ok maybe I do. It keeps me awake at night when I should be sleeping, keeps me yawning without warning when I should be enjoying the day.

It’s as if im upside down, right side up, inside out. All discombobulated and flustered. Yet people I come in contact with are easily fooled. Apparently, I disguise the clusterflux extremely well.

I’m not sure if that’s a good thing…probably not.

When we have these preconceived thoughts or expectations about our lives, the things that can and will happen to us, based on previous outcomes or conditions, it makes things harder to absorb…

Having that intermittent, inner dialog that just keeps going like a Ping Pong game.

“I’m not the type to have that sort of thing happen to me” Pleasantly good, interesting, and happy things no less. 

Then suddenly you’re taken by surprise, that sort of thing happens, and you’re like

“Whoa that happened to me? That sort of thing never happens to me”

How is it, that self-doubt, self-deprecation, is so easily infiltrated into our psyche?

It’s reminiscent of a wisteria seedling that was long forgotten. Thrown into the soil but never cultivated, never nourished, yet over time it found its own way to thrive, grow, and take over. Easily undetected to the naked eye until it’s vines choke ever so tightly around the garden which you wish would flourish. The quiet, seemingly unobtrusive nature, yet eventually suffocating. That is self-doubt, self-deprecation at its finest worst.

I hate it!

Hate. It’s such a strong word. I don’t use it lightly. But I hate that feeling. That feeling of “Oh that sort of thing doesn’t, can’t, shouldn’t, happen to ME” Why Not? Seriously, why the fuck not? It should, could, and can happen so much more than I allow it. Why don’t I allow it? I don’t think it’s a self-imposed thing that I do, maybe unknowingly, maybe I give off that kind of vibe.

When you constantly have that, no it can’t happen for me mindset, I guess you send that feeling off into the atmosphere. So when something good does happen, you’re kind of knocked off your feet, you stumble with not only your balance, but your words as well. I don’t like being at a loss for words. Words, to me are a commodity, I love and value words. When I’m surprised enough that I am rendered speechless, it irritates me.

I want to be comfortable in the pleasantly surprised moments of life, the things that knock me off my feet, sweep me away in a haze of swirling lights, moments of pure and utter ecstasy.

I want to fully, unencumbered, embrace them all, not look at them as if I don’t deserve them. I do. I truly do deserve them. Why not?

I shouldn’t be so surprised by those moments, but then again, I always am. They don’t happen often, very rarely to be exact, but when they do, I need to embrace them. Let them happen, if I want. I try to be comfortable in my own skin, in many ways I truly try, and am. Sometimes I succeed, and other times, not so much. It’s a constant battle I would say. One that I try not to give into.

I remind myself to embrace the fierceness within, yet I find myself faltering in my own advice. That seems to be the way things go for me. I’m told I give sage advice, yet I struggle to follow my own.

Life seems mixed up, tumbled around, in many ways. I’m unsure of the path. No one really knows what the path holds before us. Fear, worry, uncertainty. They all invade my mind and the most crucial times.

Then a little gem like this crosses my path.

Hopeful that the side to come, that is before me, is better than the one I leave behind. I don’t regret the past, I say it has made me who I am today, and I’m not half bad. Resistance is futile 😉 Go with the flow. Embrace the future, and possibilities and try to enjoy the moments as they come. You only get one shot at this thing called life, and well better to live a life with no regrets, than to one day say, I wish I’d done that…

The Enlightened

Tearing away
threads of the past
like peeling away
layers of an onion
the more you remove
the more you reveal.

Each layer
a moment
a memory
a year
a lifetime,
perhaps.

To reach the core
the center of self,
inspecting
accepting
emerging
anew
refreshed

Reveling
in the future
the fears
the possibilities
the wonder of it all

What lies ahead
what lies behind
merging once again.

Leave behind
what no longer serves
but never forget
what’s been forged

For within
the depths
of layers
lie
unfound treasures
far and wide

Beauty
Wisdom
Clarity

Just to name a few

A rarity in youth to find,
yet earned and garnered
by the enlightened

Finding Foxy Red!!

Tonight I’ve done what I haven’t done in what seems like forever.

I took myself out to dinner and a movie.

No big deal, but I haven’t been to the movies alone in over a year. It was something I always enjoyed doing, and it didn’t matter if I was single or in a relationship. If I wanted to go alone, I would. I started going alone to the movies, because most of my girlfriends don’t really enjoy the superhero type, action, adventure ones. Give me Spider-Man, Superman, Thor, Captain America…you get the point.

Those are the types of movies I like to watch, as well as comedy. Throw in a chick flick once in a while I guess, but not as a go to. I’m probably the only woman who hasn’t watched that Nicholas Sparks movie, you know the one where they die together in the same bed. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, I’m just gonna assume everyone else in the world has watched it, but me.

I stopped going alone.

I was in a relationship with someone who enjoyed the same movies. We would see a movie at least once a week. It was our thing. That relationship ended not to long ago, and well I just stopped going to the movies. Partly because nothing was of interest, except for The Hobbit, which I did recently see with my movie buddy, Max*. He’s been my buddy for movies like Godzilla, Iron Man, Star Trek and the like for a few years now. If we don’t feel like going alone we would go together.

I digress. This post will probably ramble on because well that’s just me and these are my Random Musings…and boy are they often random…

I’ve recently noticed previews for Wild, with Reese Witherspoon. Every time they pop on the tv, I’m greeted by a picture of a beautiful red fox. Over the last two years or so, the red fox has been a prominent animal in my life. At first I didn’t even realize it, but thinking back when I would do my walks on the beach, there was always a fox. More recently I started hiking/walking on the trails in the woods. Foxes are all over the place out there, and I’m the one to follow them instead of fear them.

Out of the clear blue sky, the guy I had been dating called me Foxy Red from the very beginning. Much better than, babe. At the time he started this, I never mentioned any red fox. I didn’t realize it’s significance. While we were dating, and the foxes were becoming more prominent he noticed I was often coming in contact with them, and how ironic it was he called me Foxy Red.

When our relationship ended I was seeing foxes on all sorts of things. A new journal (which of course I had to buy), two coffee mugs (bought those too), baby clothes, greeting cards, and they were even invading my dreams.

There were foxes all over.

But I haven’t been feeling so much like Foxy Red anymore.

I’m not looking to give a review of the movie, but for me it hit home. I can’t relate to her life situation but I can relate to her wanting to go on this hike of The Pacific Crest Trail, alone. It’s a trail of over 1,000 miles and she’s determined to find herself. The self she lost along the way of life.

That, now that I can relate to.

Little did I know the significance, to me anyway, that the red fox would have within this movie. It is seen throughout at key points along her hike. To me the fox appears to be her guide, or her inspiration to continue on her journey. As in my life, each time I’ve come across one on my walks, the little red fox inspires me. I look at its presence as a sign. Sometimes one would appear as I’m having one of those conversations with myself about what’s going on in my life at the moment. You ask for a sign to point you in the right direction, and there would appear the little red fox.

I’ve been daydreaming of taking a solo vacation for my upcoming 40th birthday. I originally thought of some warm tropical island, sipping a mixed drink, maybe a pool boy fanning me…ok I said I was daydreaming. My intentions were always for a soul-searching, finding myself kind of adventure. I need and want to do this… alone. I still haven’t narrowed down my location, it doesn’t have to be on my birthday, although the cold month of March begs for warm tropical islands. But it will happen, and it will happen the way it’s supposed to.

Wild left me wanting more. Wanting to know more about the characters life after she made it to The Bridge of The Gods, after her 1000 mile hike along The Pacific Crest Trail.

And wanting more for myself.

I won’t be doing an adventure like Cheryl Strayed’s…

I’ll be doing Foxy Red’s adventure.

I don’t know where. But I’ll know it when I get there.

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 🙂

This post took me forever to write. I think often the topics that hit us the hardest, even though all the thoughts are in our heads, penning them to paper (or blog) can often feel like ripping open your soul. When it’s all said and done, it’s a good thing. A very good thing. 

*Names have been changed.

The greatest love story ever told…maybe ;-)

When we left off yesterday, I was putting down my phone to try to see if I could salvage what I finally figured out as flirting from the “Cute, goatee, pink sake bottle drinking guy…”

To my surprise, he and his friends stuck around for a while after receiving, and paying their bill.

The table of six, who had sneakily sat between our tables, didn’t really get in the way. Although I do believe the woman within my line of sight may have thought I was gazing a little to long at her… but I’m not worrying about that.

However, my uncomfortableness at not knowing what to do while this very attractive guy kept smiling and making eye contact, (trying to, I sure wasn’t helping matters much)  made me think a lot.

About a lot of things.

I remember when I started writing the post and the time I actually posted it, a whole hour had elapsed. That meant, I wasted an entire hour typing when I could have maybe been engaging this handsome guy.

WTF is wrong with me?!?! Lol.

Obviously it’s a little easier to talk to people you don’t have a physical attraction to. Specifically when it’s face to face, or across a restaurant kind of thing. I feel it’s easier behind a computer while chatting with a photo of a person. Of course this is just my opinion on how I feel.

It’s like that “on the spot” feeling you get, like someone is undressing you with their eyes. Ok no I don’t think he was undressing me with his eyes. I don’t see myself that way, but I can’t think of any other way to describe it.

I was blushing, couldn’t keep eye contact, and had to avert my eyes to anything/anyone else that was within my surrounding area.

Yes I’m a shy person naturally, and so it doesn’t surprise me that much, but yesterday it opened my eyes. I really need to work on that shyness. Seriously what’s the worst that could happen? Not much really when you boil it down.

So now back to the rest of my meal and the situation at hand. I’m sure you’re tired of reading already 🙂

After I finally put down my phone, and tried engaging the cute guy with the goatee, things weren’t half bad. I took a, hopefully hidden deep breath and just …oh I hate to say this…let it go. I just went with the moment.

It felt good.

It took a few times for us to actually catch each others look, but it was nice. When it happened he smiled just a little bit bigger and I gave a smile too. Sounds silly, like the simplest thing to do in life, but I guess after so long, without the right atmosphere for this kind of interaction, it took a while to get the swing of it again.

I’m not a bar person, bookstores are basically extinct, friends of friends is not something I’ve really entertained the idea of when it comes to meeting or being introduced to a potential mate, and so that leaves happenstance meetings like this in a restaurant or online dating as the opportunities at hand….

Or Singles Speed Dating events…but that’s a story for another day. Stay tuned, trust me it will be a good read 😉

Can we say, it’s like riding a bike. You remember once you start again.

Not long after, he and his friends were getting ready to leave. They had to walk past my table to exit the restaurant, and so when time came for him to walk by I did get a little nervous. Almost grabbed for my phone because a text had come through. Dang I seriously need to disconnect from technology a little bit more. But I held my ground and just sat there with my hot green tea.

He didn’t stop, he didn’t ask for a number or offer one up. But he did walk a little slower and took a longer look and a huge Cheshire cat of a grin came across his face. I think, no I KNOW mine did the same. He continued to walk out the restaurant and guess what…I didn’t die right there like I thought I would have. Wow go figure.

So maybe it’s not the greatest love story ever told, but an enlightening one of being comfortable with yourself to just enjoy the moment. Take time to be aware of your surroundings, people who are maybe trying to engage you, and possibly try to get to know you across a table at a restaurant while they’re drinking a bottle of  Beni-Mansaku 😉

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 🙂