Anyone who knows me well enough, knows about The Accident For some it may not mean much, for others, who get me and where I’m coming from, well they understand it. And for the ones who really get me and have that special bond with me, they are few and far between I can count them on one hand and have left over digits. They, well they can tell me to STFU and get over it. And you know what, that’s ok. They have that bond with me to get into my deep dark psyche and they know what I’ve gone through. Their calls for getting over it, or moving beyond it, or persevering have been earned, and the comments are received with love. Simply because, they get it, and me.
Today, I need to talk about it. For the last time. I’m giving it up. It’s taken a lot from me. Mentally, emotionally, and not to be taken lightly, physically as well. It has consumed much of my existance for the last 14 years. Wow kinda cathartic to say it out loud or in writing. Most people hear that and gasp. Gasp when they hear I haven’t worked in that long. Yet the close ones, they get it. Even the new people in my life only a rare few get it.
Now imagine dating. Try telling someone you’re going out on a first date with that you’re not working. Not that you’re unemployed but that you’re not physically able to work. Most guys well they can’t get past that. Let alone get to the point of asking “How long” Only one did. And let’s just say he restored my faith in men. Sounds funny, but it’s true. But that’s a different story for a different time. Maybe……
I digress. The accident, September 17th 2000 changed my life forever. Coming home from a mini weekend vacation with the guy I was dating at the time, I remember it like it was yesterday. We are in his Subaru Legacy, thank God, and we were heading back to New York from Pennsylvania driving over the Delaware Water Gap Bridge. The last thing I remember saying was…”Wow it’s so beautiful out, I wish we were in your van so that I could see the river below”. That was the moment of impact. An 18 wheel tractor trailer traveling in the left lane of the bridge hit us, for the first of 3 times, when he swerved into our lane. Subsequently he hit us two more times that we eventually ended up facing oncoming traffic being dragged hundreds of feet against the cement bridge divider. They later found the driver, who had not had sufficiant sleep during his long haul runs. If it were not for by standers who stopped to help us, sheer luck, and I say my guardian angels ~ My grandparents, who ironically that date would have been their wedding anniversary, I joke and say they were up in the heavens celebrating together and they saw the disaster down below, dropped everything to save my ass. I thank them every day for that. I try not to think of the outcome had all those other events not taken place.
I can, and have learned to look past certain aspects of that day. I remind myself, every single day that I suffered, and silently suffer still to this day from the injuries I sustained…that things could always have been worse. My mantra is, at least I’m here and I can bitch and complain about it. It’s a luxury denied to many people.
So I sit here for the final time, giving The Accident, no more of me. Draining the life force out of me. I see it as a relationship where one partner gives so much of themselves while the other just constantly takes. That is not healthy. So today I say good bye. I won’t acknowledge you come September 17th any longer. I will however visit my Grandparents grave as I have done every year, to celebrate their anniversary and silently thank them for everything.
This is the year for me, I see new beginnings on the horizon, it is my time. For what? I don’t know exactly what yet. But one thing I know for sure. I wont let the past consume me, or hold me back. I’ve given enough of myself to it. When one realizes that their self worth, and sanity if you will, means more than the situation at hand (no matter what your situation is) That is when you realize it’s time for change. Like the butterfly, it’s time to come out of the cocoon.
I originally titled this “The Accident” I’m realizing at the end of this, that’s not fitting. So therefore I’m changing it. I think this is a much better suited title.
Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 🙂