A to Z Challenge. U is for Unbroken

Underneath his seemingly

Unmenacing exterior

Unbeknownst to her

Ultimately lied

Unfathomable lies

Unable to comprehend

Until the bitter end

Unravelling his cleverly disguised

Unctuous persona

Unfathomable details

Unfolded before her

Unwavering eyes

Unimaginably she remained

Undeniably

Unbroken

photo credit: Cover via photopin (license)

I want to walk among the Redwoods

I want to walk
among
the Redwoods
getting lost
in their wonderment
their vastness

letting my toes
explore
being one
with the
earth
feeling
the dew covered
grass,
leaves
crushing
beneath my
feet

the smell
of crisp
clean
air
filling
my
lungs.

deep
penetrating
exhaustive
breaths
consuming
the
possibilities
enveloping
the
future

slowly
releasing
escaping
tension
anxiety
scars
fears
setting
free
the
past


Desktop Nexus: Wallpapers > Nature Wallpapers > Forests Wallpaper

I am…

I am not defined by stereotypes

I am not my age.  

I am not a job.

I am not my circumstances.

I am not the way I walk.

I am not the way I talk.

I am not the color of my hair.

I am not my marital status

I am not someones child

I am not someones mother

I am Me.

Yet within the same time and space that occupies this life, I am all of those, and yet so much more.

I embrace all of these. Molding us, but not defining who we are. We are all of those things and so much more. Not one, excluding the others, but all of them entwined.

The stereotypes imposed in this life, should not define you, or me, or them. Just be. Be who you are.

I am unique, uninhibited, undeniably, unabashedly, individual, amazingly alive, and wild in my skin I am Me!

The Enlightened

Tearing away
threads of the past
like peeling away
layers of an onion
the more you remove
the more you reveal.

Each layer
a moment
a memory
a year
a lifetime,
perhaps.

To reach the core
the center of self,
inspecting
accepting
emerging
anew
refreshed

Reveling
in the future
the fears
the possibilities
the wonder of it all

What lies ahead
what lies behind
merging once again.

Leave behind
what no longer serves
but never forget
what’s been forged

For within
the depths
of layers
lie
unfound treasures
far and wide

Beauty
Wisdom
Clarity

Just to name a few

A rarity in youth to find,
yet earned and garnered
by the enlightened

I’ll be your biggest supporter, but you need to work on your own $hit!

My Winter Foxy Red mug.

I love coffee mugs, I don’t always drink coffee in them, so what. Poppycock I say. Drink what you want. If you take a close look you can see the hazy fog above the mug, that’s not a glare from the computer monitor, that’s all that delicious steam rising from my cuppa Earl Grey.

Speaking of Grey, Gray, whatever it is…

I’m probably the only one of my girl friends that has absolutely no interest in seeing the 50 shades of Grey movie. Let me preface by saying, I did read those things. All 3 of them, in 2-3 days while recovering from fibroid surgery a few years ago.

No amount of pain medicine, could get me to enjoy those things. Yes I’m calling them “things”, I really don’t know how they were books. I hear women say, oh well I wasn’t interested in them for the “writing technique” yeah I get that, but guess what, not even their intention, and I don’t even know if that’s the right word, hit home for me. I was told by some of my girlfriends, don’t read it while you’re recovering from “female” surgery, you never know what might happen.

Yeah I do…. I fell asleep face first onto my Nook… quite a few times. Why did I continue to read all of them? I was interested in the psychology of Anna and Christian. What did she hope to do for him? Besides the glaring obvious, did she want to change him? Could she? Why would she? He, the lost soul, she, the care taker. Yeah that’s what I got out of it.

Maybe because in my life, I kind of identified with her. Ok hold up. Not in ways you may think. In my ways, and I recently had a conversation with one of my girlfriends about this very thing…

Fixing/Changing a mate vs Helping/Showing them what they are capable of. I always saw myself as the latter, but after a conversation while on a hike, I realized…they are one in the same.

I see the potential in so many people, and that potential, just under the surface, in reality would change them. They are who they are, and seeing the potential is in essence seeing their capability of change. I’m a firm believer you Can’t Change people. Don’t ever try. I realized in my own, unassuming way, I was fixing/changing certain people…Men in particular.

That’s a harsh reality to absorb.

Obviously to me that wasn’t my intent. When they would come to me, and talk about what was bothering them, outside of our relationship, with work, family, etc, I would be the sounding board. They expected and often 99% of the time asked for advice. That 1% time they didn’t, I wouldn’t offer it. It’s not my place.

The men in my life, who held important spots lets say, all were great. On the surface.

There was always something about them that they had an untapped potential of. Something just below the surface. Nothing earth shattering, but something simple that if they let it go, or went with it, would/could change their life for the better. They often sought me out for that psychological uplifting, making them see the potential. I’m told I’m great at giving advice and never unsolicited. I guess it was a two-way street, them knowing I could help them see it (if they were willing to allow it to happen) and me feeling some kind of happiness that I helped them.

I knew what they were capable of if they could only see it. I didn’t want to fix them, that wasn’t my aim.

I’ve learned more recently in my dating/relationships, (looking from the outside back in, as my girlfriend *Connie would say) that my intention is good, and well-meaning, coming from a place of love…but I also can’t be a crutch for my partner. Don’t take advantage of my good nurturing nature. Not saying to not encourage him, but he can’t rest all his success or failure upon my shoulders. Seems this should be a known ideal about the relationship dynamic but I guess it hasn’t been.

I’ve been the therapist, doctor, mother, friend, confidant, and lover…but that last one, it fades. When all other aspects take precedent, leaving a crucial factor falling to the wayside, it’s destined to fail miserably. Ultimately ending the relationship.

Did 50 shades make me realize this about myself? No it didn’t… because to me she set out to change him.

But their dynamic had been of interest to me after the first few chapters, not the sex and bondage, that didn’t do a damn thing for me. But I wanted to ride out the story till the end, to see if her attempts at “changing” him would come to fruition. I won’t give away the ending, a poor excuse of one as well, but it is what it is.

I’m not like her, but in some ways, I do those things; showing/highlighting what it is they’re capable of.

Thinking of this movie, and certain things in my life that have recently come to light, I was able to “Break Free, and own the final good-bye” Sometimes seeing someone do something, out of character, makes you open your eyes. After all you’ve done for them in the past, you finally see them for their true nature. Again it’s always hindsight. I always give the benefit of the doubt, and don’t want to be the bitch. Nice girls can finish first.  It will just be with a much better finish line finale 😉

It’s all good from here on out. I’m actually kinda happy about this post, it’s not depressing, it’s eye-opening. Sometimes when you just let the words out, you learn a lot about yourself. I’ll be your biggest supporter, but you need to work on your own shit!

*******

It’s funny, I started this post originally on my weekend coffee share post, something about my coffee cup and Grey/Gray got me thinking about the movie, and those things called books, which got me thinking about relationships…its funny how topics and posts emerge.

Breaking free.

Big

Fat
Fluffy
Flakes
Flying,
Falling
Furiously
Through the
Frigid
Sky.

Seems
So
Serene but I
Simply can’t
Deny.

Delirious
Daydreams
Drifting,
Dazzling in the
Moonlight.

Memories turn
Meaningless as they
Meander through
My
Mind.

Breaking free
I own the final

Good

Bye

❤

Image courtesy of [Dynamite Imagery] at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Finding Foxy Red!!

Tonight I’ve done what I haven’t done in what seems like forever.

I took myself out to dinner and a movie.

No big deal, but I haven’t been to the movies alone in over a year. It was something I always enjoyed doing, and it didn’t matter if I was single or in a relationship. If I wanted to go alone, I would. I started going alone to the movies, because most of my girlfriends don’t really enjoy the superhero type, action, adventure ones. Give me Spider-Man, Superman, Thor, Captain America…you get the point.

Those are the types of movies I like to watch, as well as comedy. Throw in a chick flick once in a while I guess, but not as a go to. I’m probably the only woman who hasn’t watched that Nicholas Sparks movie, you know the one where they die together in the same bed. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, I’m just gonna assume everyone else in the world has watched it, but me.

I stopped going alone.

I was in a relationship with someone who enjoyed the same movies. We would see a movie at least once a week. It was our thing. That relationship ended not to long ago, and well I just stopped going to the movies. Partly because nothing was of interest, except for The Hobbit, which I did recently see with my movie buddy, Max*. He’s been my buddy for movies like Godzilla, Iron Man, Star Trek and the like for a few years now. If we don’t feel like going alone we would go together.

I digress. This post will probably ramble on because well that’s just me and these are my Random Musings…and boy are they often random…

I’ve recently noticed previews for Wild, with Reese Witherspoon. Every time they pop on the tv, I’m greeted by a picture of a beautiful red fox. Over the last two years or so, the red fox has been a prominent animal in my life. At first I didn’t even realize it, but thinking back when I would do my walks on the beach, there was always a fox. More recently I started hiking/walking on the trails in the woods. Foxes are all over the place out there, and I’m the one to follow them instead of fear them.

Out of the clear blue sky, the guy I had been dating called me Foxy Red from the very beginning. Much better than, babe. At the time he started this, I never mentioned any red fox. I didn’t realize it’s significance. While we were dating, and the foxes were becoming more prominent he noticed I was often coming in contact with them, and how ironic it was he called me Foxy Red.

When our relationship ended I was seeing foxes on all sorts of things. A new journal (which of course I had to buy), two coffee mugs (bought those too), baby clothes, greeting cards, and they were even invading my dreams.

There were foxes all over.

But I haven’t been feeling so much like Foxy Red anymore.

I’m not looking to give a review of the movie, but for me it hit home. I can’t relate to her life situation but I can relate to her wanting to go on this hike of The Pacific Crest Trail, alone. It’s a trail of over 1,000 miles and she’s determined to find herself. The self she lost along the way of life.

That, now that I can relate to.

Little did I know the significance, to me anyway, that the red fox would have within this movie. It is seen throughout at key points along her hike. To me the fox appears to be her guide, or her inspiration to continue on her journey. As in my life, each time I’ve come across one on my walks, the little red fox inspires me. I look at its presence as a sign. Sometimes one would appear as I’m having one of those conversations with myself about what’s going on in my life at the moment. You ask for a sign to point you in the right direction, and there would appear the little red fox.

I’ve been daydreaming of taking a solo vacation for my upcoming 40th birthday. I originally thought of some warm tropical island, sipping a mixed drink, maybe a pool boy fanning me…ok I said I was daydreaming. My intentions were always for a soul-searching, finding myself kind of adventure. I need and want to do this… alone. I still haven’t narrowed down my location, it doesn’t have to be on my birthday, although the cold month of March begs for warm tropical islands. But it will happen, and it will happen the way it’s supposed to.

Wild left me wanting more. Wanting to know more about the characters life after she made it to The Bridge of The Gods, after her 1000 mile hike along The Pacific Crest Trail.

And wanting more for myself.

I won’t be doing an adventure like Cheryl Strayed’s…

I’ll be doing Foxy Red’s adventure.

I don’t know where. But I’ll know it when I get there.

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 🙂

This post took me forever to write. I think often the topics that hit us the hardest, even though all the thoughts are in our heads, penning them to paper (or blog) can often feel like ripping open your soul. When it’s all said and done, it’s a good thing. A very good thing. 

*Names have been changed.

A new view

When people leave

they leave a mark

a mark so indelibly clear.

Profound!

I wonder if they truly know

the full extent

of their imprint

on the ones

they leave.

Do you ever wonder

what was left behind?

Do you ever think

how much they changed?

Do you ever realize

the full impact of your

existence?

And now lack of.

But with every one that leaves

they shape and mold the other.

Weaving their inner workings

onto the others soul

for a lifetime

of memories

and visions to hold.

Visions

pure and true

although clouded

still achievable

but from a

new view…

Cute, goatee, pink sake bottle drinking guy ;-)

So I’m out to dinner, alone. Not an uncommon thing. I usually enjoy it. It’s a comfortable place to be…usually. As I sit amongst the sea of coupledom, and beyond, I notice my uncomfortableness start to increase.

Is it gluten?

Did I eat something that’s not agreeing with me?

Is it hot in here?

No. It’s just me. Uncomfortable in a seemingly normal situation for myself.

I usually enjoy these moments of solitude. Today not so much. I can’t really explain what it is but it’s unsettling. Have I become less of that independent woman who enjoys doing things alone? Can’t put my finger on it. Maybe, just maybe it’s me.

As I take moments between sipping my miso soup, and gazing at the crowd… Yes, it’s totally me.

There’s a table, about 2-3 away from me, filled with three guys. The table separating us is empty, but most of the restaurant is full, except for a few random spots like this. They’re enjoying each others company, joking, laughing, eating, and drinking sake. Each time I look up from my phone, over the rim of my glasses, cute, goatee guy, with the seemingly frosted pink bottle of Bèni-Mansaku (just checked the menu for that one) keeps smiling.

He’s alone now, but keeps smiling.

Holy crap is he flirting?

Nah never happens and I sure as shit never notice it. It ALWAYS goes right over my head.

I’m the one who’s girlfriends tell her hours later a guy was flirting while out at the bar. I never pick up on this. So no it can’t be.

Maybe he has a nervous tick?

Maybe he feels bad for the girl out eating all alone?

Yeah that has to be it.

Thankful for my phone…because cute, goatee, pink sake bottle, drinking guy is making me blush. I’m actually afraid to make eye contact, or even let him notice that I notice him.

I’m like a freaking school girl!!

Ok channel your inner Taylor Swift and shake, shake, shake it off.

I know my friends would say “What are you doing on your phone? Stop writing! Put it down and flirt!!”

I probably should, they just got their bill, but he keeps looking and smiling.

Maybe I’m becoming more aware of the things around me and they make me uncomfortable. Not exactly sure.

I was asked to blog about a risk I took and what good came of it.I haven’t been risky enough in my life over the years.

Maybe I need to take more risks and flirt back.

Holy crap. Can I actually do that? Maybe, just maybe I have it in me.

I’m putting down the phone. And hope that the newly seated people between us don’t think I’m gazing at them.

It’s what’s behind you I’m interested in…

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today. 🙂

A tree taught me how to live today.

It’s the beginning of December, and the snow will soon be upon us, blanketing us in its weight and cold. So today I took advantage of one of the few remaining cool, crisp, autumn days. I haven’t been out walking the local trails in a few weeks and took a spur of the moment drive after getting my afternoon coffee pick me up. I’ve been feeling less of myself lately, maybe that cyclical change of the seasons, or life in its tumultuous state in general has just been getting to me. Whatever it may be I needed the escape.

I wasn’t dressed in my normal workout gear but had my comfy sneakers on so I was set, and what did my wondering eyes see, but piles and piles of fresh fallen leaves 🍃🍂🍃🍂.

Yes as adults we probably all get annoyed when leaf raking season hits, but just think, even if for a moment back to a time when you were young and would just jump into a pile of leaves or kick them around with your feet. Remember that feeling. Ahh through the eyes of a child, finding the simple pleasures in one of life’s greatest, if not usually overlooked or observed more darkly events. At least that’s how I felt, but within that moment of my feet first hitting the leaf covered trail hearing the sound of them crunching…I woke up and was observing this trail, the trees, the river, and all of it’s normally lush full beauty with fresh new eyes. As if for the first time. Yet I’ve walked here nearly every day for the last 8 months.

I had long looked at nature during this state as dry, withered, dying, as an ending. Not today. Today I saw beauty and life within those barren trees and bushes. I saw things I didn’t know existed now that the thicket had been shed away. It was a sign to me of rebirth, renewing, awakening. Why had it taken me so long to see this? I am a firm believer of everything happening for a reason and at the right time. This was the right time. For me anyway.

We go through life kind of like peeling away the layers of an onion to uncover what’s hidden within us. When we lose a part of our lives we thought was important or vital to us we retreat and dwell on it. Instead today, somewhere within that barren forest of dead leaves…I saw life. It was serene, peaceful, and full of promise for what’s to come next. It will take a beating under the harsh realities of winter as we do in life. Yet it will emerge in the spring battered, a little warn, and maybe broken…but still full of promise for what lies ahead.

Today my time walking aimlessly observing the trees, I saw within myself that spark I somehow lost over the last few months. A tree taught me how to live in a way. A tree taught me how change, even when not always happy, was good. I knew these things before of course, but today it was like shaking the leaves off the trees was an awakening for me.

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 🙂