Lots of questions, searching for answers…

This little post sprung to life during my weekend coffee share post, and I guess it’s been on my mind for some time, but finally popped to the surface during our chat.

Life Dating life…well,  it’s complicated.

Isn’t it always?

I realized this week… and don’t ask how or why it took this long to figure it out… the only thing I can think of is that things happen for a reason and when they are supposed to.

I never really dated much when I was younger, I was very shy ( I still am, until I get to know someone). I worried more about my studies, and doing what I needed to do to get into college so that I could get the job of my dreams. Always put relationships on the back burner. Not that I was beating the boys away, it wasn’t like there was huge interest and I was declining. It was what it was. I was always seen as the girl with the pretty face but would have been more attractive if I was skinnier.  I dated briefly during high school and my first boyfriend when I was 16, was 21. So I guess I’ve always had a thing for older guys. Don’t believe I really dated anyone younger than me until these last 2 years.

Fast forward to my second day of college, I met my second boyfriend. Yeah that one I don’t really want to give any attention to and only when the need for reference arises do I discuss him. I met him that day, and dated him throughout my entire college existence. Damn if I could write my younger self a letter and do a Doctor Who Timey Wimey thingy, I’d leave some clues to myself to~ Yeah date him, but don’t keep yourself from finding other people. I was always and still always am a one man, woman. I can’t date multiple people at the same time. Maybe the first few dates getting to know someone, but when there is a connection, I want to concentrate on that relationship.  I fell into an extremely comfortable pattern with Dan, yeah I’m not even changing his name this time. That pattern of comfort kept me from living my life at that point. But we can’t go backwards in life. Timey Wimey only exists in a Tardis, and well I don’t have one. SO onward, upward and forward it is! When that ended, it ended in a very ugly way. On my graduation day. And I think it set me up for a lot of disappointment and judgement further down the line. Granted that was years ago, and yes I have moved on, but some things always stick with you.

So from growing up and into the woman I am today, I try to take my experiences, learn from them, and adjust them for the here and now. I don’t like living in the past, yes it molds us into the people we become, but it doesn’t completely define us. So I take from my past relationships and try to learn from them.

I don’t have a type. I mean I’ve dated the long curly-haired guy who played a guitar in a band, stockbroker, television executive, television programmer, writer, carpenter, scientist, dancer, small business owner, micro electronics technician, bartender, executive chef, parks department manager… you get the point. If you put them all in a room together, none of them would look the same. As varying in their jobs, looks, religions, personalities etc, the one common denominator is that it didn’t work out. But can’t fault me for trying.

But, what if, the other common denominator is me? I’m not doing the same thing from relationship to relationship. I’ve grown, I’ve matured, my needs and wants have also grown along the way and changed. I’m never repeating the same mistakes, but yet as the cycle of dating goes, it’s not great but it’s certainly not horrendous.

I’ve been told I’m single because:

• I’m too picky
• I’m too strong
• I’m too independent
• I’m trying too hard
• I’m not trying hard enough
• I look in the wrong places
• I shouldn’t date online
• I date the wrong men
• I’m not pretty enough
• I’m too easy going (I don’t let them chase me)
• I’m too understanding (accept them as they are)
• I’m wrong in still wanting to have kids at my age

Blah blah blah bullshit!

Well…maybe…sorta

When browsing the online dating sites I look at a few key things.

• What age they are looking for in a woman (if I’m at least 5+ years outside of it I wont send a message)
• What kind of relationship they are looking for (long term/short term/casual sex) I pass over the CS ones!
• If they want to have kids. (no/prefer not to say=same to me. Yes/open/maybe=same to me)

From those three key items I then decide if I will read further. Ok maybe I am picky in this light, and I have been told from some of the guys online, not to hold them to these Q & A’s. Well excuse me. If you say no you don’t want kids, I’m not about to try to change your mind or hold out for hope that you MIGHT one day have an ephiphany and say YES. That’s not realistic in my mind. If they say they want casual sex, I’m not looking for that. Sure they can lie and omit it and secretly want it but I will never know until maybe it’s too late. Crap shoot so take your chance. And the age thing. Well I hardly send out messages first (YES I know I have to work on this) but when I see their age limit is 32 and I’m 40 I wont send one. I know I fear the rejection, and that’s setting myself up for unnecessary rejection right out the gate

Then there’s the topic of kids. I feel that at my age, still being open to having children maybe is hampering my meeting some men. A lot in my age group already have kids, and either don’t want any more, or they don’t want any. I’ve had plenty of guys, who are really great, tell me that when and if I change my mind about kids, to reach out to them. Am I at the point where I’m ready to put a definitive no down when it comes to having kids? No I don’t think so. I’ve always had the outlook of “when it happens it happens and if it doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be” It’s not a deal breaker, but I am looking for someone who is still entertaining the possibility and is open to having children if it’s physically possible. If they are saying No, I’m overlooking them.

Maybe I’m overlooking too many men?

I am comfortable making compromises adjustments in my life, and adjusting needs as I see fit, but I’m not ready to change these aspects. At least not yet. I have looked further than my previous idea of no men older than 45. So now I will search for them maybe till 47, even 50.  Again, at that age, it is LESS likely they will want kids. Most men, at that age,  their kids are already 18 or older and they don’t want to start again. I respect that. So I also look at guys that are younger, but then they see me as too old to have kids. Listen if my gyno is saying it’s safe till I’m 45 then guess what, if all parts are working and they work well with my partner, lets make babies!!

I’m still hopeful. I’ve been told numerous times from so many different people something to the effect of ” after all the mishaps in dating, you still put yourself out there and have hope that one day it will happen. How do you do it? How come you’re not cynical, jaded etc?”

I don’t know. I always say, I’m lucky in my unlucky love life. I was once told by an ex “I don’t want you to be jaded by love. The only thing that should be jaded, are your eyes”  It was a silly little saying, and at least he knew my eyes were in the green family, they’re hazel.

Lots of questions, and always searching for answers! I do firmly believe when it’s supposed to happen… it will.

This post, although seemingly finished, is like a nagging little thought in the back of my head…

Upside down, right side up, inside out…

I’ve been feeling all out of sorts the last few weeks.

Not exactly sure where the uneasy feeling is coming from. Ok maybe I do. It keeps me awake at night when I should be sleeping, keeps me yawning without warning when I should be enjoying the day.

It’s as if im upside down, right side up, inside out. All discombobulated and flustered. Yet people I come in contact with are easily fooled. Apparently, I disguise the clusterflux extremely well.

I’m not sure if that’s a good thing…probably not.

When we have these preconceived thoughts or expectations about our lives, the things that can and will happen to us, based on previous outcomes or conditions, it makes things harder to absorb…

Having that intermittent, inner dialog that just keeps going like a Ping Pong game.

“I’m not the type to have that sort of thing happen to me” Pleasantly good, interesting, and happy things no less. 

Then suddenly you’re taken by surprise, that sort of thing happens, and you’re like

“Whoa that happened to me? That sort of thing never happens to me”

How is it, that self-doubt, self-deprecation, is so easily infiltrated into our psyche?

It’s reminiscent of a wisteria seedling that was long forgotten. Thrown into the soil but never cultivated, never nourished, yet over time it found its own way to thrive, grow, and take over. Easily undetected to the naked eye until it’s vines choke ever so tightly around the garden which you wish would flourish. The quiet, seemingly unobtrusive nature, yet eventually suffocating. That is self-doubt, self-deprecation at its finest worst.

I hate it!

Hate. It’s such a strong word. I don’t use it lightly. But I hate that feeling. That feeling of “Oh that sort of thing doesn’t, can’t, shouldn’t, happen to ME” Why Not? Seriously, why the fuck not? It should, could, and can happen so much more than I allow it. Why don’t I allow it? I don’t think it’s a self-imposed thing that I do, maybe unknowingly, maybe I give off that kind of vibe.

When you constantly have that, no it can’t happen for me mindset, I guess you send that feeling off into the atmosphere. So when something good does happen, you’re kind of knocked off your feet, you stumble with not only your balance, but your words as well. I don’t like being at a loss for words. Words, to me are a commodity, I love and value words. When I’m surprised enough that I am rendered speechless, it irritates me.

I want to be comfortable in the pleasantly surprised moments of life, the things that knock me off my feet, sweep me away in a haze of swirling lights, moments of pure and utter ecstasy.

I want to fully, unencumbered, embrace them all, not look at them as if I don’t deserve them. I do. I truly do deserve them. Why not?

I shouldn’t be so surprised by those moments, but then again, I always am. They don’t happen often, very rarely to be exact, but when they do, I need to embrace them. Let them happen, if I want. I try to be comfortable in my own skin, in many ways I truly try, and am. Sometimes I succeed, and other times, not so much. It’s a constant battle I would say. One that I try not to give into.

I remind myself to embrace the fierceness within, yet I find myself faltering in my own advice. That seems to be the way things go for me. I’m told I give sage advice, yet I struggle to follow my own.

Life seems mixed up, tumbled around, in many ways. I’m unsure of the path. No one really knows what the path holds before us. Fear, worry, uncertainty. They all invade my mind and the most crucial times.

Then a little gem like this crosses my path.

Hopeful that the side to come, that is before me, is better than the one I leave behind. I don’t regret the past, I say it has made me who I am today, and I’m not half bad. Resistance is futile 😉 Go with the flow. Embrace the future, and possibilities and try to enjoy the moments as they come. You only get one shot at this thing called life, and well better to live a life with no regrets, than to one day say, I wish I’d done that…

I’m Single and I still have LOVE for Valentines Day!

Valentines Day isn’t lost on me this year because I’m single

Sure the over abundance of social media posts like Facebook statuses, from everyone proclaiming their love for their spouse or significant other is on full-blown overload. So be it. Let them have at it. I may be cynical and slightly jaded about some things, but LOVE isn’t one of them…to an extent.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are “those” people who have that constant need to feed into the social media profession of their love for one another, ohhhh but what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive. Trust me most of those people who gush words of love are totally bullshitting.

I love you babe, sweetie, honey pie, snuckums. You’re the air I breathe, the wind beneath my wings, the coconut milk to my mocha choca latte.

Their lives aren’t perfect, they are showing you what they want. Not everyone, but most. I feel, and I’ve witnessed first hand, the ones who are constantly showing their love online, lead less than desirable lives behind closed doors. That perfect marriage, that perfect couple, if they are together a week, or ten years, all have moments they’d rather not share.

As do we all. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns over here either.

You read this blog enough, I mention I’m single, I have no problem with that. Would I like to not be? Well of course. Do I need to be in a relationship? No. It would be nice though, someone to compliment me and my life. That, I’m interested in that.

But just because I’m single now, doesn’t mean I have hatred for this holiday, or cupid, or people who are genuinely in love with one another. I’m happy for them. I was one of them at a few points in my life. So I, like anyone else who has ever been in love to turn around and say they hate cupid, or this hallmark holiday, is really contradicting themselves. Seriously if you were involved in a relationship of whatever kind right now, you wouldn’t have so much hatred for this day.

I agree, that the idea of this as a holiday is kind of annoying.  I never, during any of my relationships would expect to get the flowers, chocolates, or jewelry. If however my partner wanted to do those things, I would not stop them, that’s  their way of showing affection. I prefer a card, or note, or a homemade meal. But that’s me.

Even in the “buy yourself a Valentine scenario” I’ll buy myself whatever I want any day of the year, and just as that’s the case, so should showing your true love and affection for your partner. Don’t just think today is the day to do it all and make up for lost time. Hint~ It never works out.

Also what’s the deal with people who will settle to just have someone, anyone, to go out with on this day. I mean seriously, there are people who would just be with anyone, and I understand this isn’t just a Valentines Day situation, it happens quite a bit.

Oh we’re both lonely, let’s spend the day/night/a few hours together. How’s that sound to you?

Um, no thank you, I’d rather be alone!

For this reason, I even avoided my dating site profile yesterday and today. The messages are coming in, but honestly, for me it’s not a day to start something. If I’m talking to someone that’s different, they probably have my cell number anyway. People who will settle for just anyone really irks me, yeah I might be picky, and that might be my issue, but I’d rather be happy and alone than settle for just anyone to fill a temporary void. Because that’s primarily what it will end up being. Ok maybe there’s that 1% chance it might lead to more. But doubtful.

Call me cynical, jaded, whatever you can think of, but don’t call me a hater of love. I still believe in it. I still believe it exists, somewhere in the universe for me. It will happen when it’s supposed to and with the right person. I’m thankful for the near misses, and cupids stinking crooked arrow, even when he was totally off. And boy he’s been off on occasion. He also completely missed me this year. Well by the looks of the clock, we’ve got 32 minutes  left for Valentines Day, so there might be a shot. HA a shot, not really, because I’m home comfy cozy in my squishy socks and pjs relaxing with this storm. But who says Cupid only works on Valentines Day. Maybe he does work the rest of the year.

See hope still springs eternal.

My eyes and heart are open 365 days a year, 366 on leap year too. So anything is possible with that cute little cherub and his arrow. Although I prefer the above photo of this particular cupid, verses the chubby cherub. 😉

Happy Valentines Day to everyone. Much Love to you all, today and every day of the year!! First and foremost you must remember, be happy with yourself, love yourself, and be open to the true happiness in life.

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today ❤

The Rules, were meant to be broken

What seems like eons ago, in my early 20’s, there was a dating self help book called… The Rules. I’m sure somewhere in my collection of books is this useless piece of a poor wasted tree.

Back in 1995-7 it was all the rage, (and apparently it’s reinvented itself multiple times over the years) this book was supposed to help single women find the man of their dreams by listing an array of nonsensical rules to follow. I fed into the idea of it. Simply because I found myself newly single after graduating college, and coming out of a long-term relationship, that lasted throughout my college existence. I met him my second day there.

**The Sea of Love guy. Eugene** Blah blah blah he doesn’t deserve a blog post, let alone this mention, but it sets the record…

So there I was, in my early 20’s, newly single and figured let’s see what The Rules are all about.

Something different from my approach, I would imagine. I was never a big dater. In high school, I was always the girl the guys thought had a pretty face…but was too heavy.

There were a few guys that I went to college with whom I found very attractive, and looking back (isn’t that the way we all do it) because I was dating… and shy, I would never have thought to approach them. Plus they all thought I was “destined” to marry my boyfriend.

Back then my self-confidence was rocky. It is what it was, and that’s my issue. Albeit molded through life experiences, and hanging around like a lingering cold that wouldn’t go away. That is until I met Scotty D.

Hmm, Scott is a topic unto himself. He was a rare breed. Yes my tense has changed in this post, he was a rare breed. One I’m not so ready to talk about yet, as new wounds are still fresh and raw.  But for now I will say, he restored my faith in men, myself, and opened my eyes to so much. It’s unfathomable to tell. I will write of him when I can. His story needs to be told, even if no one reads it.

 

The Rules,  had lines like these…

♦Don’t call back right away.

♦Be unavailable.

♦If you are available, you seem to easy.

♦Play hard to get.

♦Don’t ask men out.

♦Once you have a guy, ignore him.

♦Texting~ women under 30 wait 30 minutes to respond; older women should wait 4 hours!!! 4 hours seriously!

The list went on. It was all a haze to me back then, but I read it, put the book in a drawer and forgot about it for a while. A long while. To me it was encouraging women to be a bitch, not being available, and not going after what you wanted. I am all for a man taking the control in dating situations, but in the same respect women shouldn’t feel the act of buying a guy a drink at the bar, or buying one back, is an insult. Or offering to pay half on dinner, or even the tip. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe that’s why I’m single again. Who knows. I’ve been in long-term relationships, one lasting 10 years. It just didn’t work out. We were better off as friends.

I get the whole, don’t let a man feel less of a man, encourage him and uplift him. Well the same goes for men encouraging and uplifting women. You can not be an equal if you think less of yourself, or the other person. Granted I’m no expert, I’m single, never married. But life gives you experience. I still believe my boyfriend, husband, soul mate exists. He may not be within a 50 mile radius, he may very well be in California, Vermont, Wisconsin, or Maine for all I know. BUT I do believe he exists. Like the elusive Unicorn, or pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I still have hope.

But these games that are played out on the playground of dating life, really need to be nipped in the bud. I say if you want something you should go for it. (easier said than done, for myself included. I didn’t go after Seductively Sexy Seth, or Cute Sake Drinking Guy) Don’t be like me, heck I shouldn’t be like me either damn it!!

These are MY RULES for dating. They are an ever evolving set, and I’ll adapt them as I go along. Take them with a grain of salt, cause like I say WTF do I know 😉

♥Don’t wait the 3 days to text back.

♥Don’t wait a week to call.

♥Do Be available, ok maybe not instantly if you are in the bathroom or driving your car. But be available, if that is what you truly want.

♥Don’t be the bitch, nice girls can finish first but…

♥Don’t be a doormat

♥Don’t invest more of yourself than is being invested in you.

♥Do know when to cut your losses, because at the end of the day, it is better to have experienced and moved on than stay and suffer.

♥As for online dating…Do not post photos of yourself in provocative ways, only showing your face and cleavage for instance, and then complain you only get guys who want sex and nothing more. You attract what you expose, and the more you expose the more you will attract what you say you don’t want. I’m not saying don’t be sexy, or confident!! Just be aware, what you share, can entice certain comments. I’ve had photos, which I didn’t think too much of in that respect, and they opened the flood gates of comments, I’ve removed one, but left the other. I’m not a prude, I’m sexy and confident, but I’ll chose my battles wisely.

♥Enjoy dating for all of its roller coaster ride. The lulls, the peaks, the drops, and the summit.

It will be worth it in the end. I personally have faith.

If however you want minimal or instant and short-lived gratification from dating experiences, then by all means follow the damn rules.

Even my mother bought me this book by Steve Harvey before this past Christmas. I took it out of the bag simply to take a picture and post the photo. I haven’t even opened it, and I probably wont.

Although, who knows, it’s not like my rules have garnered much success over the years. I just might pop open a bottle of hard cider one night and crack open this book. I might.

But I will say this. Out of all my relationships, I have been extremely lucky. There haven’t been any that have ended in horrendous ways, although yes they have had impacts that will last with me forever for the way I was treated by some, but in the scope of life and experiences that others have dealt with, I’ve been lucky in my unlucky love life.

Even with online dating, my experiences haven’t been all that horrible. Maybe I’m too picky (maybe that’s a good thing) apparently I reply very selectively to messages, and well that’s because I’m not interested. Something has to really spark my interest. I love good conversation, a well written profile, photos that I can see your face and yes body. I show mine (clothed of course) so therefore I want to see yours.

As with the being picky, I think it’s a good thing, I have learned the signs of what might be coming down the pike as far as unmentioned intentions, but I don’t always avoid them. Such is life and this experience we go through.

I’m looking for friends first, with the intention of a long-term relationship, so that means I don’t expect to be your girlfriend tonight, but don’t expect me to be your friends with benefits either.

I will never settle for the next best thing or more importantly whatever thing comes my way. I would rather be happy and alone, than overly desperate to take whatever might show interest. Yes I’ll still hear the … “Oh when are you getting married?”  “When are you having children?”  You can ask all you like, I don’t have to reply. Simple as that.

Do I believe perfect exists, no, but I do believe there is a match out there for me somewhere over the rainbow, riding a unicorn 😉

Until then, I’ve decided, I’m gonna break the rules. Because, well, the rules haven’t helped me yet, although I never quite followed them so rigidly. So why not break em. 😉

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today. 🙂

**Sometimes I find myself writing and going off on tangents, as you can see, if you’ve read any of my posts. I do this often. Sometimes I start with one intention and as the words get typed out, a whole other topic emerges. Ones I’m not even aware of at the moment. So forgive my ramblings and disconnect at times. It’s not intentional, more as if I were having a conversation with you and I lose my train of thought.

Let the wild side out ;)

She tried her damnedest

to let go
of the things
she felt
held her back

The things
she was told,
believed to be true
when heard

over

and

over

Can’t help but believe
even when proclaiming

you don’t

Thoughts stick around
in the deep
recesses of the mind
like a tiger

waiting
to pounce

at the most inconvient time

Just go with the flow!
Don’t hold back!
What’s the worst that can happen?
You enjoy the moment?
Or you don’t!
But
You go with the flow

Let the wild side out

Time to stop hiding
Time to stop denying

Time to enjoy the time
Eventually
It
Runs
Out…

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 😉

Finding Foxy Red!!

Tonight I’ve done what I haven’t done in what seems like forever.

I took myself out to dinner and a movie.

No big deal, but I haven’t been to the movies alone in over a year. It was something I always enjoyed doing, and it didn’t matter if I was single or in a relationship. If I wanted to go alone, I would. I started going alone to the movies, because most of my girlfriends don’t really enjoy the superhero type, action, adventure ones. Give me Spider-Man, Superman, Thor, Captain America…you get the point.

Those are the types of movies I like to watch, as well as comedy. Throw in a chick flick once in a while I guess, but not as a go to. I’m probably the only woman who hasn’t watched that Nicholas Sparks movie, you know the one where they die together in the same bed. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, I’m just gonna assume everyone else in the world has watched it, but me.

I stopped going alone.

I was in a relationship with someone who enjoyed the same movies. We would see a movie at least once a week. It was our thing. That relationship ended not to long ago, and well I just stopped going to the movies. Partly because nothing was of interest, except for The Hobbit, which I did recently see with my movie buddy, Max*. He’s been my buddy for movies like Godzilla, Iron Man, Star Trek and the like for a few years now. If we don’t feel like going alone we would go together.

I digress. This post will probably ramble on because well that’s just me and these are my Random Musings…and boy are they often random…

I’ve recently noticed previews for Wild, with Reese Witherspoon. Every time they pop on the tv, I’m greeted by a picture of a beautiful red fox. Over the last two years or so, the red fox has been a prominent animal in my life. At first I didn’t even realize it, but thinking back when I would do my walks on the beach, there was always a fox. More recently I started hiking/walking on the trails in the woods. Foxes are all over the place out there, and I’m the one to follow them instead of fear them.

Out of the clear blue sky, the guy I had been dating called me Foxy Red from the very beginning. Much better than, babe. At the time he started this, I never mentioned any red fox. I didn’t realize it’s significance. While we were dating, and the foxes were becoming more prominent he noticed I was often coming in contact with them, and how ironic it was he called me Foxy Red.

When our relationship ended I was seeing foxes on all sorts of things. A new journal (which of course I had to buy), two coffee mugs (bought those too), baby clothes, greeting cards, and they were even invading my dreams.

There were foxes all over.

But I haven’t been feeling so much like Foxy Red anymore.

I’m not looking to give a review of the movie, but for me it hit home. I can’t relate to her life situation but I can relate to her wanting to go on this hike of The Pacific Crest Trail, alone. It’s a trail of over 1,000 miles and she’s determined to find herself. The self she lost along the way of life.

That, now that I can relate to.

Little did I know the significance, to me anyway, that the red fox would have within this movie. It is seen throughout at key points along her hike. To me the fox appears to be her guide, or her inspiration to continue on her journey. As in my life, each time I’ve come across one on my walks, the little red fox inspires me. I look at its presence as a sign. Sometimes one would appear as I’m having one of those conversations with myself about what’s going on in my life at the moment. You ask for a sign to point you in the right direction, and there would appear the little red fox.

I’ve been daydreaming of taking a solo vacation for my upcoming 40th birthday. I originally thought of some warm tropical island, sipping a mixed drink, maybe a pool boy fanning me…ok I said I was daydreaming. My intentions were always for a soul-searching, finding myself kind of adventure. I need and want to do this… alone. I still haven’t narrowed down my location, it doesn’t have to be on my birthday, although the cold month of March begs for warm tropical islands. But it will happen, and it will happen the way it’s supposed to.

Wild left me wanting more. Wanting to know more about the characters life after she made it to The Bridge of The Gods, after her 1000 mile hike along The Pacific Crest Trail.

And wanting more for myself.

I won’t be doing an adventure like Cheryl Strayed’s…

I’ll be doing Foxy Red’s adventure.

I don’t know where. But I’ll know it when I get there.

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 🙂

This post took me forever to write. I think often the topics that hit us the hardest, even though all the thoughts are in our heads, penning them to paper (or blog) can often feel like ripping open your soul. When it’s all said and done, it’s a good thing. A very good thing. 

*Names have been changed.

A new view

When people leave

they leave a mark

a mark so indelibly clear.

Profound!

I wonder if they truly know

the full extent

of their imprint

on the ones

they leave.

Do you ever wonder

what was left behind?

Do you ever think

how much they changed?

Do you ever realize

the full impact of your

existence?

And now lack of.

But with every one that leaves

they shape and mold the other.

Weaving their inner workings

onto the others soul

for a lifetime

of memories

and visions to hold.

Visions

pure and true

although clouded

still achievable

but from a

new view…

The greatest love story ever told…maybe ;-)

When we left off yesterday, I was putting down my phone to try to see if I could salvage what I finally figured out as flirting from the “Cute, goatee, pink sake bottle drinking guy…”

To my surprise, he and his friends stuck around for a while after receiving, and paying their bill.

The table of six, who had sneakily sat between our tables, didn’t really get in the way. Although I do believe the woman within my line of sight may have thought I was gazing a little to long at her… but I’m not worrying about that.

However, my uncomfortableness at not knowing what to do while this very attractive guy kept smiling and making eye contact, (trying to, I sure wasn’t helping matters much)  made me think a lot.

About a lot of things.

I remember when I started writing the post and the time I actually posted it, a whole hour had elapsed. That meant, I wasted an entire hour typing when I could have maybe been engaging this handsome guy.

WTF is wrong with me?!?! Lol.

Obviously it’s a little easier to talk to people you don’t have a physical attraction to. Specifically when it’s face to face, or across a restaurant kind of thing. I feel it’s easier behind a computer while chatting with a photo of a person. Of course this is just my opinion on how I feel.

It’s like that “on the spot” feeling you get, like someone is undressing you with their eyes. Ok no I don’t think he was undressing me with his eyes. I don’t see myself that way, but I can’t think of any other way to describe it.

I was blushing, couldn’t keep eye contact, and had to avert my eyes to anything/anyone else that was within my surrounding area.

Yes I’m a shy person naturally, and so it doesn’t surprise me that much, but yesterday it opened my eyes. I really need to work on that shyness. Seriously what’s the worst that could happen? Not much really when you boil it down.

So now back to the rest of my meal and the situation at hand. I’m sure you’re tired of reading already 🙂

After I finally put down my phone, and tried engaging the cute guy with the goatee, things weren’t half bad. I took a, hopefully hidden deep breath and just …oh I hate to say this…let it go. I just went with the moment.

It felt good.

It took a few times for us to actually catch each others look, but it was nice. When it happened he smiled just a little bit bigger and I gave a smile too. Sounds silly, like the simplest thing to do in life, but I guess after so long, without the right atmosphere for this kind of interaction, it took a while to get the swing of it again.

I’m not a bar person, bookstores are basically extinct, friends of friends is not something I’ve really entertained the idea of when it comes to meeting or being introduced to a potential mate, and so that leaves happenstance meetings like this in a restaurant or online dating as the opportunities at hand….

Or Singles Speed Dating events…but that’s a story for another day. Stay tuned, trust me it will be a good read 😉

Can we say, it’s like riding a bike. You remember once you start again.

Not long after, he and his friends were getting ready to leave. They had to walk past my table to exit the restaurant, and so when time came for him to walk by I did get a little nervous. Almost grabbed for my phone because a text had come through. Dang I seriously need to disconnect from technology a little bit more. But I held my ground and just sat there with my hot green tea.

He didn’t stop, he didn’t ask for a number or offer one up. But he did walk a little slower and took a longer look and a huge Cheshire cat of a grin came across his face. I think, no I KNOW mine did the same. He continued to walk out the restaurant and guess what…I didn’t die right there like I thought I would have. Wow go figure.

So maybe it’s not the greatest love story ever told, but an enlightening one of being comfortable with yourself to just enjoy the moment. Take time to be aware of your surroundings, people who are maybe trying to engage you, and possibly try to get to know you across a table at a restaurant while they’re drinking a bottle of  Beni-Mansaku 😉

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 🙂

Cute, goatee, pink sake bottle drinking guy ;-)

So I’m out to dinner, alone. Not an uncommon thing. I usually enjoy it. It’s a comfortable place to be…usually. As I sit amongst the sea of coupledom, and beyond, I notice my uncomfortableness start to increase.

Is it gluten?

Did I eat something that’s not agreeing with me?

Is it hot in here?

No. It’s just me. Uncomfortable in a seemingly normal situation for myself.

I usually enjoy these moments of solitude. Today not so much. I can’t really explain what it is but it’s unsettling. Have I become less of that independent woman who enjoys doing things alone? Can’t put my finger on it. Maybe, just maybe it’s me.

As I take moments between sipping my miso soup, and gazing at the crowd… Yes, it’s totally me.

There’s a table, about 2-3 away from me, filled with three guys. The table separating us is empty, but most of the restaurant is full, except for a few random spots like this. They’re enjoying each others company, joking, laughing, eating, and drinking sake. Each time I look up from my phone, over the rim of my glasses, cute, goatee guy, with the seemingly frosted pink bottle of Bèni-Mansaku (just checked the menu for that one) keeps smiling.

He’s alone now, but keeps smiling.

Holy crap is he flirting?

Nah never happens and I sure as shit never notice it. It ALWAYS goes right over my head.

I’m the one who’s girlfriends tell her hours later a guy was flirting while out at the bar. I never pick up on this. So no it can’t be.

Maybe he has a nervous tick?

Maybe he feels bad for the girl out eating all alone?

Yeah that has to be it.

Thankful for my phone…because cute, goatee, pink sake bottle, drinking guy is making me blush. I’m actually afraid to make eye contact, or even let him notice that I notice him.

I’m like a freaking school girl!!

Ok channel your inner Taylor Swift and shake, shake, shake it off.

I know my friends would say “What are you doing on your phone? Stop writing! Put it down and flirt!!”

I probably should, they just got their bill, but he keeps looking and smiling.

Maybe I’m becoming more aware of the things around me and they make me uncomfortable. Not exactly sure.

I was asked to blog about a risk I took and what good came of it.I haven’t been risky enough in my life over the years.

Maybe I need to take more risks and flirt back.

Holy crap. Can I actually do that? Maybe, just maybe I have it in me.

I’m putting down the phone. And hope that the newly seated people between us don’t think I’m gazing at them.

It’s what’s behind you I’m interested in…

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today. 🙂

Here’s to The Nice Girls!

I’ve often been told I’m The Nice Girl Understanding, compassionate, gives the benefit of the doubt, and a multitude of undeserved second chances. We are the girls who we so often hear, finish last. Well I’m here to say that there’s nothing wrong with finishing last.

Why? Well because we are strong and resilient. We withstand the trials and tribulations thrown at us. And through it all, we stay true to ourselves. We don’t become hardened, jaded, evil, conniving bitches because someone has wronged us. What it does instead is build up an armor of sorts. We don’t change, but we adapt. We won’t let those events or people turn us into something we are not. Because at the very heart of our core we truly believe there is good out there, and even if it takes us all of eternity we will finish… Yes maybe last, but we can go confidently into each chapter of our precious lives knowing we are still ourselves. No one can take that away from us. So I say raise a glass to The Nice Girls

Those are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today 🙂