I’ve been feeling all out of sorts the last few weeks.
Not exactly sure where the uneasy feeling is coming from. Ok maybe I do. It keeps me awake at night when I should be sleeping, keeps me yawning without warning when I should be enjoying the day.
It’s as if im upside down, right side up, inside out. All discombobulated and flustered. Yet people I come in contact with are easily fooled. Apparently, I disguise the clusterflux extremely well.
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing…probably not.
When we have these preconceived thoughts or expectations about our lives, the things that can and will happen to us, based on previous outcomes or conditions, it makes things harder to absorb…
Having that intermittent, inner dialog that just keeps going like a Ping Pong game.
“I’m not the type to have that sort of thing happen to me” Pleasantly good, interesting, and happy things no less.
Then suddenly you’re taken by surprise, that sort of thing happens, and you’re like
“Whoa that happened to me? That sort of thing never happens to me”
How is it, that self-doubt, self-deprecation, is so easily infiltrated into our psyche?
It’s reminiscent of a wisteria seedling that was long forgotten. Thrown into the soil but never cultivated, never nourished, yet over time it found its own way to thrive, grow, and take over. Easily undetected to the naked eye until it’s vines choke ever so tightly around the garden which you wish would flourish. The quiet, seemingly unobtrusive nature, yet eventually suffocating. That is self-doubt, self-deprecation at its
I hate it!
Hate. It’s such a strong word. I don’t use it lightly. But I hate that feeling. That feeling of “Oh that sort of thing doesn’t, can’t, shouldn’t, happen to ME” Why Not? Seriously, why the fuck not? It should, could, and can happen so much more than I allow it. Why don’t I allow it? I don’t think it’s a self-imposed thing that I do, maybe unknowingly, maybe I give off that kind of vibe.
When you constantly have that, no it can’t happen for me mindset, I guess you send that feeling off into the atmosphere. So when something good does happen, you’re kind of knocked off your feet, you stumble with not only your balance, but your words as well. I don’t like being at a loss for words. Words, to me are a commodity, I love and value words. When I’m surprised enough that I am rendered speechless, it irritates me.
I want to fully, unencumbered, embrace them all, not look at them as if I don’t deserve them. I do. I truly do deserve them. Why not?
I shouldn’t be so surprised by those moments, but then again, I always am. They don’t happen often, very rarely to be exact, but when they do, I need to embrace them. Let them happen, if I want. I try to be comfortable in my own skin, in many ways I truly try, and am. Sometimes I succeed, and other times, not so much. It’s a constant battle I would say. One that I try not to give into.
I remind myself to embrace the fierceness within, yet I find myself faltering in my own advice. That seems to be the way things go for me. I’m told I give sage advice, yet I struggle to follow my own.
Life seems mixed up, tumbled around, in many ways. I’m unsure of the path. No one really knows what the path holds before us. Fear, worry, uncertainty. They all invade my mind and the most crucial times.
Then a little gem like this crosses my path.
Hopeful that the side to come, that is before me, is better than the one I leave behind. I don’t regret the past, I say it has made me who I am today, and I’m not half bad. Resistance is futile 😉 Go with the flow. Embrace the future, and possibilities and try to enjoy the moments as they come. You only get one shot at this thing called life, and well better to live a life with no regrets, than to one day say, I wish I’d done that…