Hold up, wait a minute! Where did the time go?

There are times in life when you just have to say, “Hold up, wait a minute! Where did the time go?”

I’ve found myself saying that at least once a week over the last few months. I’ve wanted to write. I’ve needed to write. BUT, I could not bring myself to do it. Why? I haven’t a clue. I mean I do have somewhat of a clue, like the simple fact that by the time the end of the day hit, dinner was made, the house was cleaned, errands were run, people were visited, and life was in full swing…I was exhausted. Completely drained. And in some cases, in a lot of pain. I can put on a brave face, and try to look fine, and in most cases I succeed. Then there are days I just want to sit in my leggings and scroll the newsfeeds, get caught in the sickness of politics, life in the outside world, and forget what it is that’s bothering me at the moment. Hey at least I got out of my pajamas, and changed clothes, amiright?

Then there are the moments I have an idea, a spark of something to write about, and then I self censor. The critic inside my head has much to say.

“No one wants to read this or that. It’s not interesting. It’s not relevant. It’s not good enough. It’s boring. It’s not funny enough. It’s not thought provoking. It’s not timely. People don’t even see your posts. It just sucks.

That’s when I cave. I give in to the negativity, I give in to the inner critic. The critic that really sucks in it self.

Then there are the moments when I run into people and they ask me,

“How come I haven’t seen your blog posts? Am I not looking in the right place? Am I missing it in my newsfeed? Have you stopped writing? I haven’t seen you at the coffee shop, where you normally write from. Where have you been?

I’ve hit a wall I’ve often said. I feel there isn’t much to write about right now. Life has drained my energy level and I don’t have it in me to write anymore. But that’s not always true. I have it in me, but I feel it’s not good enough. I should just say screw it, put it to page, and let it happen. I’ve wanted to write about our vacations this summer and fall, the places we’ve seen, the food we’ve eaten, and yet when I go to write, I’m stopping myself.

That’s when it hit me. New Year’s Eve.

The ball had dropped, Mariah Carey had a meltdown of sorts ( I actually was enjoying our company and didn’t pay much attention to the Dick Clark Rockin Eve celebration until the last 30 seconds or so) and it occurred to me…

What the fuck am I waiting for? Nike slogan ran through my head…Just do it! Who cares who reads it. Who cares if it’s good to someone else. Who cares if it’s funny, interesting, relevant, thought provoking. It may not be today, but it may be in a few months, or weeks or even years. And then even if it never is any of the above, Who the fuck cares. It’s good enough for me, it’s good for my soul, it gives me lightness, it gives me peace and it’s good enough for me.

Now here we are on the brink of a new year. No resolutions, just go with the flow and enjoy the moment.

Happy New Year. Happy days of writing whatever the heck I want to write about, if I want to write about it. If you read it, I appreciate it and thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you don’t read it, I appreciate that as well, and thank you from the bottom of my heart. image

Sweetness among the sorrows

imageLife.

It’s a cycle we all go through. Some longer than others, some without issues, some with major devastating ones. Disease, struggle, hardships, ups & downs. We all have a certain baggage if you will.

Life as we know it is full of sweetness and sorrow. Just wish the sweetness would outweigh the sorrows so many are suffering.

It’s a given we are born, and we die. But all too often, and much more recently in my lifetime, there has been more loss. Could it be because I’m aging and am more aware of life’s sometimes short cycle? Could it be that I’m just more aware of it and it’s been ongoing for far too long? I’m not sure what the answer is, but honestly the amount of loss so many of my friends and acquaintances are going through is tearing at my heartstrings. I’m not trying to sound trite, or without compassion, coming up with flippant comment. It truly is heartbreaking to see the loss that is happening daily. Either on a personal closer to home scale, and the far more widespread world scale.

It seems as if life is coming full circle. I’m in the position my mother was/is in. Instead of seeing family or friends at weddings and baby showers, it’s at funerals.

Siblings, parents, spouses, children, loved ones in so many ways are passing more frequently. It’s a stark reminder that life is too short and can pass you by in the blink of an eye. Parents are aging, freak accidents happen.

Life…happens. And then it doesn’t.

And it leaves you with the ultimate question. Why?

I’m usually not at a loss for words. But sometimes, especially during times like this, words escape me. I can say how sorry I am for your loss, I can offer words of sympathy for you and your grieving family, I can tell you to take comfort in their memory and that they are at peace. Which are all heartfelt sentiments that I wish for you. But nothing in life truly prepares you for how those words you say, or type, come across to the one receiving them. Those words of comfort can often feel absent of compassion. Because it’s like putting a price value on a life. How can you sum up the loss of a dear loved one in a simple “So sorry for your loss”? It’s simple, and truthful, and we can only hope understood.

In our lifetime, we all deal with sorrow among the sweetness. Sadly, as we are getting older it seems sorrow has been taking the lead. Life can prepare us for the inevitable, but only in theory. It’s the final act that tests our limits and acceptance. I am saddened beyond words the last few weeks at the amount of loss that has hit people who surround me, either close friends, or mere acquaintances. Lives taken too soon, without a warning, or even those who we feel have beaten the odds countless times and without a doubt will persevere yet again. They have lost their battles, and leave the world left behind sweeter for their presence during their time in it, yet full of sorrow for their future absence. ❤

My wish for you during your time of grieving, is to find… sweetness among the sorrows.

 

 

Happy Easter! 

  

Pride sucks

Pride, it’s a double edged sword in my opinion some times. I have pride, I don’t like asking for help. In a society where people view asking for help as a plague on the economy, I don’t view it that way for the most part. But when it comes to myself, I don’t want to be a drain, I don’t want to ask for help. Even when I truly can use it. I let my pride, my independence get the best of me at the worst of times.

It’s detrimental to my own well being and I know that. Pride, can be an ugly thing, when we feel we don’t deserve the basic of needs. I know people who won’t ask for help if they need it, and I know people who are those plagues on society who expect things handed to them for free. People on both sides of the fence exist in this life. I strive to be neither of them.

I don’t want to be looked upon as taking advantage of services or things that could help benefit me, things I’m more than entitled to receive. And when I say entitled to, I mean things I’ve worked for, even if that work was a long time ago. I hate vague assumptions that are imposed on people who might, for whatever reason, need help. Not all people who need help are milking a system. Some truly need the assistance, not a hand out, but a hand up. But because of such a ugly stigma placed upon the dirty nasty four letter word “help” people who have pride, people who have self respect, people who let what other say about them if they found out hinder them reaching out when the need arises, will often choose not to seek help in the most dire of times.

It’s not healthy, it’s not beneficial, it’s in fact detrimental to their own well being, mental and physical health. No good can come of keeping all that stuff bottled up and not reaching out. Just as a sickness, either physical or emotional, if over looked for too long can turn into something more serious.

I don’t like to ask for help, it makes me feel weak, and I don’t want to see myself as weak. I always see myself as a strong, independent woman, who doesn’t rely on others to help her. If I can’t do it myself, it won’t get done until I can. If I can’t afford it now, I wait till I can. If I can’t go somewhere, or do something, or fix something, on my own, I will wait until I can.

Waiting isn’t always good. Sometimes waiting makes things worse, no matter how much you try to keep up with it, things fall through the cracks. Sometimes worrying about what others might think puts our own minds in a twisted funk, because that means being vulnerable at our most critical times.

Vulnerability, feels like weakness, but it’s within the depths of our vulnerability and weakness that we can muster the strength we need and ultimately realize we’ve had all along, because it takes a strong person to ask for help. Asking for help does not equal weakness or lack of trying. There comes a time when we realize we can’t do everything on our own, and that’s alright. It’s more than alright, it’s like finally feeling the sun on your face after a long harsh winter. You become alive again, you feel whole, you feel as if the weight of the world just might finally be lifting off your heavy burdened shoulders, shoulders that have carried a weight for far, far too long.

Isn’t it about time you kick pride in it’s ass, and let go of the things that truly hold you back.

40 things I learned in 40 years…maybe

**Adult language, proceed with caution**

As I sit here, mere moments from my impending (the day after my) 41st birthday, I’m contemplating my life thus far. Where have I been, what have I learned, and where am I going? Three of the biggest questions in life. I’m grateful that 2016 is a Leap Year. One extra day of being 40. Not that 40 is or was a bad thing, I don’t mind getting older, I’m again grateful I have the opportunity to be here at this age. There was a time I didn’t think I’d get this far…

This isn’t one of those stereotypical 40 things I learned in 40 years post. You can google the shit out of those and find a ton of useless, often repeated, self esteem bullshit out there, but this isn’t one of them. What it is, is what it is, a little pouring out my soul onto a blog post just to let it all hang out.

In 40 years, I haven’t done all that much. I had a fantastic fast track career that got sidelined in my prime due to a car accident, oh well fuck it, life sucks some times and we gotta pull ourselves up from our bootstrings and try our hardest to move on with the new normal. It’s not always easy, some days are better than others, and we do the best we can with the cards we are dealt with. There are so many things my mind would love for me to do, many of them, my body won’t allow, but I try my damndest to do the best I can. At least I can say I fucking try.

My mind still absorbs all the possible knowledge it is capable of learning. I take each day as a new learning experience, and although I don’t have vast college degrees, I think my BA in Communications/Journalism is enough for me at this time, I have a wealth of knowledge that a classroom or degree can’t measure up to. Life experience is vastly underrated and underutilized. Don’t take it for granted.

I may not be a mother, in the sense of giving birth to a child, but I have mothered plenty of children and I will say they are all better off for the time, attention, love, and discipline…yes discipline I have given them over the years. It’s not being sarcastic, snarky, or ever boasting, it’s just the facts. There are children who when in my care have learned how to read, eat, have manners, show respect, learn that working hard gives them self respect and confidence they didn’t think they had, they learned consequences from bad behavior, and reward (not in monetary sense but in pride) in doing good deeds. Yes, I can say I am a mother, of sorts, to many children.

I have learned what I will tolerate and wont tolerate from myself and from those I surround myself with. If you don’t offer positive vibes in my life, I will cut you out plain and simple. In my mid 30’s when I was trying to be a good Catholic, I gave up Negative People for Lent. I purged my circle of all that negative fucking bullshit that people had to offer me. I have no use for negativity, my own mind can do that just fine when I indulge in it, and I don’t allow myself to indulge. It serves no purpose, but to take the joy out of my life. Like a bad relationship, either intimate, familial, or friend, I will not let you do to me those things for which I know are bad. It doesn’t matter who you are to me, you will mean nothing if I see fit.

I wont eat eggs that are scrambled or have a runny yolk, and if I order them in a diner and they come out any other way I ordered them, they will go back. I won’t be nasty but I will politely say to redo them the way I ordered.  I dated a guy in my late 20’s that asked the silliest question one morning as he was making us breakfast…

“How do you like your eggs?”
“Whatever way you’re having them” I said.
“No that’s not how you answer that question. You need to know how you like your eggs cooked. If you can’t tell someone how you like your eggs, how can you tell them what else you like. Don’t just go with the flow, ask for what you want and you will get it. If they can’t give it to you, move on, you deserve better than the crap they have to offer you.”

eggs-932189_640

If I order 2 eggs over medium, I expect to get runny yolk and a cooked white. Yes I expect it. I want to dip my eggs into that blissfully seductive creamy yolk, and if I have a good piece of gluten free bread with me I want to dunk that shit too! I expect it, if I order over easy then runny crap it will be. And I don’t like runny crappy eggs.

img_1210“Life is like: How do you like your eggs? If you can’t express that, what else are you willing to settle for? You’ll just get whatever the fuck the world wants to give you”

Don’t settle for that crap!!

I don’t know it all, and will never claim to, but I know a lot of things about a lot of things and I wont engage in a conversation if I don’t think I know what I’m fucking talking about. I’m not wasting my time, breath or energy just to hear myself speak, and I wont waste yours either. What’s the point in that? Although I know plenty of people who will talk about everything and anything under the sun just for some attention. Don’t be that kind of person. If you can’t engage in a conversation either with well informed information, or a desire to learn from the topic, don’t waste valuable time.

What I’ve learned at 41 is that there is still a ton of other shit to learn. Yes I’ve got wisdom, experience, failures, and achievements under my belt, but Life, my life is far from over buddy. So that means I’ve got a hell of a lot more things to learn in the next 40+ years of this crazy ride called life. So yeah, I’ve probably learned 40 things in 40 years, but really take every day of your life, the life you’re blessed to live, to learn as much as humanly possible.

I still have that book in me. The one I’ve really wanted to write my whole life. But I’ve got to get to the point of figuring out why I wont write the damn thing. Am I to worried I’ll hurt peoples feelings, stir up some emotions that maybe are better left buried with the now deceased? Or should I just throw caution to the wind, dig out the old notebook, and continue what I once started. It is a story worth telling, at least from my perspective, and one that might help others. I just need to get out of my own way with this one, that I have learned can be the biggest obstacle in ones life. The self imposed boundaries.

I’m here re learning, or trying once again, how to crochet. 16 years ago my Mom tried teaching me. Right after my car accident. Hell I had plenty of time on my hands, although I really wasn’t there mentally at the time to comprehend the intricate details of chain, double chain crochet stitches, but I tried. I failed. I had no patience. So here I am Trying again. Remember in the beginning I said at least I can say I fucking try. And try you should to. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, don’t settle for the status quo, or the self imposed barriers you place on yourself.

See I still suck at crochet, but I’ll pull it apart yet again, and start over. I’m not about to quit learning and figuring out what works best for me.

So here’s a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me. Here’s to 41 fabulously crazy, funny, happy, sad, angry, uncertain, confusing, earth shattering, blissfully challenging, amazing fucking years! And the rest of the years I’ll be blessed to experience that are ahead of me.

 

xo Paula ❤

 

Wordless Wednesday 

Relationships come and go. Don’t lose sight of your tribe

I’m guilty of it. I admit it. I started a relationship with a fantastic guy, and got swept up in the moment. Ok the moment is just shy of a year, but I am definitely swept up in our relationship. Nothing wrong with that.

Except, I did lose sight of my tribe. My girls, my friends, both near and far.

Not on purpose mind you. Let me emphasize that. Not on purpose! I feel the need to clarify that, why? I don’t know, but I feel I need to.

When you are involved in a new relationship, you tend to spend the majority of your time with one another. Getting to know each other, learning about one another, and creating your relationship. This relationship is no exception. Except the fact that it is much different than any other I’ve been in. We see each other daily(past relationships this hasn’t been the case) he has two children that he sees quite often, (I’ve never dated someone with children before) and we are working on the best mesh for all of us, he lives only 15 minutes away from me (I’ve never dated anyone this close before, except when I was a teenager) So it’s all a little new. And what do you do when something is new? You do all you can to learn how it works for and with you. You invest time, lots of time. You should!

I’ve been investing my time in our relationship. We both are. We have also tried very hard to incorporate our relationship within our friendships. It doesn’t always work, but we try. And trying sometimes is all you can do. Some friendships are near, some are far, road-trip far, but they are all dear and close in heart. Phone calls and text messages should keep you in contact with each other, but even in today’s society of instant access at the tip of your fingers, there still can be some disconnect.

I have always felt that a long time can pass without contact, as long as the bond is as strong as you think it is. Therefore time and distance should not interfere with that friendship.

Sometimes, when I’m depressed I withdraw from friendships, I am independent and I don’t like to rely on others, and that is to my own self detriment sometimes. It’s not healthy, but I’m aware of it.

I’m also ok with not hearing from friends for weeks or even months on end. I think I’m introverted in that respect, I don’t find it insulting or as a disrespect to the friendship. I just see it as LIFE. We all have things that take up our time. Work, family, sicknesses, happy times, just life in general. Trying to find the time to squeeze it all in is sometimes hard. But with my friendships, I expect that they should feel the same way as I feel. If we don’t hear from each other every day, be ok with it. Be confident in the fact that you are always in my heart and on my mind, even if I don’t reach out every single day. Trying to navigate this thing we call life can be hard some times, especially when we are trying to find our way in the world.

Just be aware of the fact that You are my tribe. You will always be my tribe. My Sister from another Mister, my chosen family, My unbiological sister, my BFFEAADADYFIEver. We may not speak to each other every day, or even once a month as of late, but know in your heart it’s not on purpose. I’m not avoiding you. I’m just trying to find my way in this world and with everything that is going on in my life, brand spanking new relationship included 😉 , sometimes I lose sight of my tribe. But you’re always there with me, as I am for you.

Never forget me as I never will forget you!

image