Lots of questions, searching for answers…


104px-Point_d'amour.svgThis little post sprung to life during my weekend coffee share post, and I guess it’s been on my mind for some time, but finally popped to the surface during our chat.

Life Dating life…well,  it’s complicated.

Isn’t it always?

I realized this week… and don’t ask how or why it took this long to figure it out… the only thing I can think of is that things happen for a reason and when they are supposed to.

I never really dated much when I was younger, I was very shy ( I still am, until I get to know someone). I worried more about my studies, and doing what I needed to do to get into college so that I could get the job of my dreams. Always put relationships on the back burner. Not that I was beating the boys away, it wasn’t like there was huge interest and I was declining. It was what it was. I was always seen as the girl with the pretty face but would have been more attractive if I was skinnier.  I dated briefly during high school and my first boyfriend when I was 16, was 21. So I guess I’ve always had a thing for older guys. Don’t believe I really dated anyone younger than me until these last 2 years.

Fast forward to my second day of college, I met my second boyfriend. Yeah that one I don’t really want to give any attention to and only when the need for reference arises do I discuss him. I met him that day, and dated him throughout my entire college existence. Damn if I could write my younger self a letter and do a Doctor Who Timey Wimey thingy, I’d leave some clues to myself to~ Yeah date him, but don’t keep yourself from finding other people. I was always and still always am a one man, woman. I can’t date multiple people at the same time. Maybe the first few dates getting to know someone, but when there is a connection, I want to concentrate on that relationship.  I fell into an extremely comfortable pattern with Dan, yeah I’m not even changing his name this time. That pattern of comfort kept me from living my life at that point. But we can’t go backwards in life. Timey Wimey only exists in a Tardis, and well I don’t have one. SO onward, upward and forward it is! When that ended, it ended in a very ugly way. On my graduation day. And I think it set me up for a lot of disappointment and judgement further down the line. Granted that was years ago, and yes I have moved on, but some things always stick with you.

So from growing up and into the woman I am today, I try to take my experiences, learn from them, and adjust them for the here and now. I don’t like living in the past, yes it molds us into the people we become, but it doesn’t completely define us. So I take from my past relationships and try to learn from them.

I don’t have a type. I mean I’ve dated the long curly-haired guy who played a guitar in a band, stockbroker, television executive, television programmer, writer, carpenter, scientist, dancer, small business owner, micro electronics technician, bartender, executive chef, parks department manager… you get the point. If you put them all in a room together, none of them would look the same. As varying in their jobs, looks, religions, personalities etc, the one common denominator is that it didn’t work out. But can’t fault me for trying.

But, what if, the other common denominator is me? I’m not doing the same thing from relationship to relationship. I’ve grown, I’ve matured, my needs and wants have also grown along the way and changed. I’m never repeating the same mistakes, but yet as the cycle of dating goes, it’s not great but it’s certainly not horrendous.

I’ve been told I’m single because:

  • I’m too picky
  • I’m too strong
  • I’m too independent
  • I’m trying too hard
  • I’m not trying hard enough
  • I look in the wrong places
  • I shouldn’t date online
  • I date the wrong men
  • I’m not pretty enough
  • I’m too easy going (I don’t let them chase me)
  • I’m too understanding (accept them as they are)
  • I’m wrong in still wanting to have kids at my age

Blah blah blah bullshit!

Well…maybe…sorta738685ce9fdf7dfdcd18e4f7e9d93858

When browsing the online dating sites I look at a few key things.

  • What age they are looking for in a woman (if I’m at least 5+ years outside of it I wont send a message)
  • What kind of relationship they are looking for (long term/short term/casual sex) I pass over the CS ones!
  • If they want to have kids. (no/prefer not to say=same to me. Yes/open/maybe=same to me)

From those three key items I then decide if I will read further. Ok maybe I am picky in this light, and I have been told from some of the guys online, not to hold them to these Q & A’s. Well excuse me. If you say no you don’t want kids, I’m not about to try to change your mind or hold out for hope that you MIGHT one day have an ephiphany and say YES. That’s not realistic in my mind. If they say they want casual sex, I’m not looking for that. Sure they can lie and omit it and secretly want it but I will never know until maybe it’s too late. Crap shoot so take your chance. And the age thing. Well I hardly send out messages first (YES I know I have to work on this) but when I see their age limit is 32 and I’m 40 I wont send one. I know I fear the rejection, and that’s setting myself up for unnecessary rejection right out the gate

Then there’s the topic of kids. I feel that at my age, still being open to having children maybe is hampering my meeting some men. A lot in my age group already have kids, and either don’t want any more, or they don’t want any. I’ve had plenty of guys, who are really great, tell me that when and if I change my mind about kids, to reach out to them. Am I at the point where I’m ready to put a definitive no down when it comes to having kids? No I don’t think so. I’ve always had the outlook of “when it happens it happens and if it doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be” It’s not a deal breaker, but I am looking for someone who is still entertaining the possibility and is open to having children if it’s physically possible. If they are saying No, I’m overlooking them.

Maybe I’m overlooking too many men?
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I am comfortable making compromises adjustments in my life, and adjusting needs as I see fit, but I’m not ready to change these aspects. At least not yet. I have looked further than my previous idea of no men older than 45. So now I will search for them maybe till 47, even 50.  Again, at that age, it is LESS likely they will want kids. Most men, at that age,  their kids are already 18 or older and they don’t want to start again. I respect that. So I also look at guys that are younger, but then they see me as too old to have kids. Listen if my gyno is saying it’s safe till I’m 45 then guess what, if all parts are working and they work well with my partner, lets make babies!!

I’m still hopeful. I’ve been told numerous times from so many different people something to the effect of ” after all the mishaps in dating, you still put yourself out there and have hope that one day it will happen. How do you do it? How come you’re not cynical, jaded etc?”

I don’t know. I always say, I’m lucky in my unlucky love life. I was once told by an ex “I don’t want you to be jaded by love. The only thing that should be jaded, are your eyes”  It was a silly little saying, and at least he knew my eyes were in the green family, they’re hazel.

Lots of questions, and always searching for answers! I do firmly believe when it’s supposed to happen… it will.

This post, although seemingly finished, is like a nagging little thought in the back of my head…

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