Imperfectly Perfect With You

My heart in your hands
the weight of the world on your shoulders
you bear the burden of all before you

you tackle it with grace and strength
you set forth to conquer the demons
change the perception, the course of the world

you have the power
in the subtle things you do
in the words that you speak
in the actions that you take

you bring forth a comfort and calmness
you are unique unto yourself

you share your dreams, haunts, desires, and fears
you are all I could have imagined
and more than I could fathom

you are the sun
the moon
the stars
and galaxies
combined in one
fantastical expression of God

In my heart you can find
all that I am
and all that I have
aligned imperfectly perfect with you

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What a difference a year makes, Oh Happy Day

img_0848-2Today is Dave’s Birthday!

It’s also our Anniversary!

Or maybe it’s tomorrow 😉 lol. We often joke about that, because today is the day I walked through his door looking to buy some cups for my stepdad’s nebulizer machine after spending a week in Pennsylvania visiting my Sissy and her family.

After chatting for a while and having that epiphany , he would have liked to go out that night, but had his sons for Boy Scouts so he asked me if I’d go with him to dinner the next night. Little did I know my life would change soon after stepping foot inside his store. 

I’d often go to his store to buy those same cups and upon returning from my trip, my stepdad had run out of his stash. So I needed to go to the only store in the area that sold the good ones. It was about 20 minutes away and I was rushing to get there before they closed for the day.

That day was a funny one and feels as if it was yesterday. Like I said today’s his birthday, so when I arrived he joked that I was his birthday present. I admit it made me blush a little, ok a lot at the time, and it still does to this day. Although I wasn’t his birthday present in the sense last year, or maybe I was in some cosmic, divine intervention, fate way, I joked with him this morning that I was his present this year 😉

Although we celebrated our Anniversary and his Birthday together this past weekend out in Montauk , which was just the thing we needed to get some good quality time togehter. We try to celebrate all the time, not in the grand scheme of things, nor over extravagant ways, but in the simple gestures we do for each other on a daily basis.

This last year has had it’s ups and downs for both of us, yet through it all, at the end of the day we each know the other has our backs. I often say life’s not all rainbows and unicorns, it’s got it’s sprinkling of chaos, but like all great baked sweets you need a little salt to bring out the sweetness. A little rain to bloom the flowers, and cultivate the lifecycle. So bring on the pinch of salt to add spice to our life.

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Wishing you the Sweetest Birthday and Happiest of Anniversaries, Hun. I’m blessed to spend today with you, and looking forward to all the days that will follow.

XO Paula ❤

Remember…

When thoughts from your past
float through the atmosphere,
invading the quiet crevices of your mind,
they tend to leave little remnants behind.

Unbeknownst to you, they seep on through
taking hold at the most inopportune times,
a nagging reminder that you must address,
unless you choose to acquiesce.

Why is it within moments of pure joy and bliss
fear, worry, doubt, and unworthiness set in
What fans the burning fires of the flames
Is it within ourselves that we should lay blame

Self sabotage, wreaking havoc
lay it all to rest
snuff out the burning ember,
and please try to remember…

You deserve this happiness

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photo credit: Cover via photopin (license)

Monday Musings, our 1st Valentine’s Day

Another glorious Monday morning has graced us, and although it’s slightly snowing, and will probably continue into the evening on and off, I still think it’s a wonderful day. Just as this weekend, although frigid temperatures plagued any outdoor activities, was a wonderful one as well.

It was Valentine’s Day/Weekend afterall, and it was our first Valentine’s Day together. Although we didn’t spend it alone, it really was time well spent. It was Dave’s weekend with his boys and we spent it watching movies, baking, relaxing and spending some quality time together. Temps outside were 0° and felt even colder, and with his youngest having asthma, as well as myself although mine is controlled, we decided we would spend the weekend inside.

Friday evening when I arrived at Dave’s house after picking up some extra goodies at the food store, I started to unpack some of the bags, but before I had a chance he quietly grabbed my arm and ushered me to the kitchen table where waiting for me was the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, a card, and a box of chocolates.

“I tried getting you daffodils, I know they’re your favorite, but they were very hard to find.”

Daffodils or not, this was simply a wonderful Valentine’s Day present. I don’t need, want or expect extravagant gifts, I much more prefer something that comes from the heart, and I know that anything Dave gives me, is from his heart. Some may say it’s not Valentine’s Day gifts if you exchange it before hand. BS I say, especially this time, Dave hasn’t been feeling too well the last few days, and honestly had he left the house on Sunday to go get me something I would have been more upset than getting a gift on Friday night. Honestly, it’s Valentine’s Day, but with any great relationship, Valentine’s is celebrated every day. With us, that’s exactly what it’s like.

After a quick dinner Friday night, some time watching Myth Busters, and then as the boys were all tucked into bed, my Valentine made me some special hot cocoa with the cutest strawberry marshmallow floating atop. All within my newest favorite mug he got me a few weeks ago. image

Saturday we basically spent the day in pajamas, watching the Kids Baking Challenge on Food Network and some DIY & Science channel shows. Dave’s oldest son loves cooking and baking and I’ve gotten him interested in watching the cooking shows, and both boys love the science shows so it was a nice relaxing day. We even baked heart shaped cookies, that came out more tie-dyed than red, and an extra special cookie I made for Dave.

imageTrying to keep Dave from seeing it as it baked in the oven was a task within itself, and it worked for the most part, until I took it out of the oven and had it cooling on the cookie rack. While I was upstairs changing the laundry I hear Dave “wait a second, don’t eat those, I think Paula made that for me.” Then I hear giggles from the boys. Yep they must have seen the I ❤ U cookies I made for him.

When I came into the kitchen he’s holding the I and says “Is this for me?” with the biggest grin on his face. I said no it’s for the kittens and we both laughed, as Lilo and Stitch were circling our feet.

Sunday morning, we were woken up by two little boys at 7 am, who couldn’t sleep. So we were all up at the crack of dawn watching Simon’s Cat video clips on, N’s iPad. Finally leaving to go downstairs for some breakfast, the boys wanted to help cook with Dave but we made it a team effort as usual. Boys set the table, Dave and I made breakfast, he even tried to make my coffee for me.

” I had all intentions of coming downstairs to make you breakfast this morning and bring it upstairs to you, I would have even tried to make your coffee. Although I’d probably screw it up. But that was before the kids came in to wake us up. I hope you don’t mind?”

Did I mind? Nope not at all. The intentions were there, the thought was there, and I’m glad he didn’t make my coffee. Just imagine what it would have tasted like. Haha. Especially since my morning pot of coffee was the last of my 1/2 caff espresso pull from the coffee shop. What would I have done without my coffee?!

I just looked at him, pulled him close and gave him a big kiss. We hear giggles from the den, they must have caught us in the act. Yep it’s Valentine’s Day, Every day ,with us. This just so happens to be our first official one.

Happy 1st Valentine’s Day, Hun. I’m so glad I get to spend these days with you. ❤

Happy Valentines Day 

 

In the simple random moments quietly together as we’re cooking a meal together, or between the kids talking in the background, we share these times and I feel that deep connection with you.  

It’s not the earth shattering kind of stories people tell the tales of but it is our story and it shakes my soul to the core. Because in those times together with you, in your arms, my dreams become reality. It’s not perfection but it’s perfectly our moment.  ❤️ 

Tear down your barriers 

 

I have often found deep wisdom withi the teachings of, Rumi. This little gem is no exception. 

We must be willing to tear down the walls and constant barriers we build up around ourselves in guises of protection, and keep open hearts and minds for letting love flow freely to and from us. 

Only then will we be truly capable of giving and receiving the love we so rightfully deserve. 

❤️ 

The common denominator is you.

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Here I sit, patiently reviewing my Facebook stats. Confusion sets in, but at least I have a home made gluten free blueberry muffin and an “I ❤ You a Latte” cappuccino. It’s the latte flavor, but with extra EXTRA cappuccino foam, no whip cream. Just the way I like it. And look at that awesome latte artwork from one of my favorite baristas! It’s perfect on this chilly Thursday morning as I’m peering through the heart window clings gracing and inviting in the next holiday.

Valentine’s Day.

Ah, a year later and look where we are. Last year this time I was single, happy in many ways, filled with love, even if I was single.  I still feel the same way, about oversharing some aspects of ones relationship. When you only see happy comments about the love of someones life, or even the constant sharing of how horrible it is to be single, how all men are alike, that men read from the same instruction manual, that you constantly have the same outcome when it comes to your dating life, even if you seek relationships with different guys.

“Oh he’s not like the other guys”

Then weeks later after you’ve hooked up….

“I haven’t heard from him in days, I send text messages and he doesn’t reply, he’s busy with work, his dog, his kids, his mother. I don’t know what I did. I thought this one was different”

8331524425_b9dbc632b0_mNews flash, he just might have been different. The common denominator = YOU.

You’re still the same person with this guy as you were with the last. And the guy before him, and the one before that other guy, and the other one.

Get it yet.

Until you start changing your relationship patterns, you will continue to get the same results.

The same sentiment holds true for anything you are doing. If you constantly do the same things over and over again, you will constantly get the same results over and over again.

A vicious cycle, no?

Why is it that as women, the fall to comment is…Why are all men exactly the same?

Sure some of them are only looking for one thing, some women also are this way. But sometimes, it’s not him, it’s you. Ask yourself these questions, and really think about the answers you give yourself.

  • Are you comfortable in your own skin?
  • Are you seeking validation from someone?
  • Do you have your shit together?
  • Are you confident in yourself and what you have to offer a partner?
  • Do you feel worthy of a healthy relationship?
  • Do you think sex will keep him, or make him want you more?

Now think long and hard about your answers. If you need validation from someone else that you are worthy of a healthy, happy relationship, you need to go back to the drawing board and work on yourself respect, and your self confidence. Using another person, yes this is using them, to fill that void you can’t seem to do on your own, does no one any good. Except in the heat of the moment, because you think that having sex with them will keep them around. Sure, it might keep them for a while, until someone else who is exactly like you, but might be skinnier, longer hair, taller, blah blah blah walks past their wandering eye and they move on to the next girl that might have your same mindset.

Don’t do that to yourself!! Don’t let your insecurities push you into doing something that you just might regret later on.

We all want love, companionship, sex with someone we feel we connect with on a deeper level. Some people want the one time deals, or friends with benefits, and that’s fine if that’s what works for you BOTH. But please for the Love of everything gluten free, don’t blame it all on everyone else, when you have got to know deep down inside that there is something that you’re doing to sabotage your own happiness.

Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship, maybe you’re just like all the rest of them, and you’re reading from the same manual. Flip the switch and all that you see men doing to you, you just might be doing to yourself. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from a situation to see the broader picture. Being so focused on one particular speck of dirt, that you miss the whole pile.

There is a clear distinction between needing and wanting. If you NEED someone to complete you, to make you feel worthy, to make you feel wanted, you really NEED to work on yourself first, so that what you WANT isn’t what you NEED. You WANT a companion, you don’t NEED one. You need water to survive, you want coffee to feel good.

Never place your value, or your fulfillment upon someone else’s presence in your life.

What happens when they leave, or when they die perhaps, if your relationship eventually gets to the point of more than a casual thing. What happens then. Do you die as well because your existence is purely based upon them. You need to be whole, to survive when alone, to be able to go on in the face of adversity and the here after.

Want love and companionship for all the right reasons, because you’re worth it!

So when you think of Valentine’s Day, and you’re either in a relationship, or not, have love for the day and what it signifies. Have love for yourself first and foremost. Because self love, self respect, self acceptance, and self worth, are far more precious and valuable than all the chocolate candy filled hearts, bouquets of flowers, and jewels anyone can give you on February, 14th. Because if you don’t have those rare items the other 364/5 days of the year, you don’t have much.

So attached or not, go get yourself some of that stuff. NOW.

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