I’ll be your biggest supporter, but you need to work on your own $hit!

IMG_3586My Winter Foxy Red mug.

I love coffee mugs, I don’t always drink coffee in them, so what. Poppycock I say. Drink what you want. If you take a close look you can see the hazy fog above the mug, that’s not a glare from the computer monitor, that’s all that delicious steam rising from my cuppa Earl Grey.

Speaking of Grey, Gray, whatever it is…

I’m probably the only one of my girl friends that has absolutely no interest in seeing the 50 shades of Grey movie. Let me preface by saying, I did read those things. All 3 of them, in 2-3 days while recovering from fibroid surgery a few years ago.

No amount of pain medicine, could get me to enjoy those things. Yes I’m calling them “things”, I really don’t know how they were books. I hear women say, oh well I wasn’t interested in them for the “writing technique” yeah I get that, but guess what, not even their intention, and I don’t even know if that’s the right word, hit home for me. I was told by some of my girlfriends, don’t read it while you’re recovering from “female” surgery, you never know what might happen.

Yeah I do…. I fell asleep face first onto my Nook… quite a few times. Why did I continue to read all of them? I was interested in the psychology of Anna and Christian. What did she hope to do for him? Besides the glaring obvious, did she want to change him? Could she? Why would she? He, the lost soul, she, the care taker. Yeah that’s what I got out of it.

Maybe because in my life, I kind of identified with her. Ok hold up. Not in ways you may think. In my ways, and I recently had a conversation with one of my girlfriends about this very thing…

Fixing/Changing a mate vs Helping/Showing them what they are capable of. I always saw myself as the latter, but after a conversation while on a hike, I realized…they are one in the same.

I see the potential in so many people, and that potential, just under the surface, in reality would change them. They are who they are, and seeing the potential is in essence seeing their capability of change. I’m a firm believer you Can’t Change people. Don’t ever try. I realized in my own, unassuming way, I was fixing/changing certain people…Men in particular.

That’s a harsh reality to absorb.

Obviously to me that wasn’t my intent. When they would come to me, and talk about what was bothering them, outside of our relationship, with work, family, etc, I would be the sounding board. They expected and often 99% of the time asked for advice. That 1% time they didn’t, I wouldn’t offer it. It’s not my place.

The men in my life, who held important spots lets say, all were great. On the surface.

There was always something about them that they had an untapped potential of. Something just below the surface. Nothing earth shattering, but something simple that if they let it go, or went with it, would/could change their life for the better. They often sought me out for that psychological uplifting, making them see the potential. I’m told I’m great at giving advice and never unsolicited. I guess it was a two-way street, them knowing I could help them see it (if they were willing to allow it to happen) and me feeling some kind of happiness that I helped them.

I knew what they were capable of if they could only see it. I didn’t want to fix them, that wasn’t my aim.

I’ve learned more recently in my dating/relationships, (looking from the outside back in, as my girlfriend *Connie would say) that my intention is good, and well-meaning, coming from a place of love…but I also can’t be a crutch for my partner. Don’t take advantage of my good nurturing nature. Not saying to not encourage him, but he can’t rest all his success or failure upon my shoulders. Seems this should be a known ideal about the relationship dynamic but I guess it hasn’t been.

I’ve been the therapist, doctor, mother, friend, confidant, and lover…but that last one, it fades. When all other aspects take precedent, leaving a crucial factor falling to the wayside, it’s destined to fail miserably. Ultimately ending the relationship.

Did 50 shades make me realize this about myself? No it didn’t… because to me she set out to change him.

But their dynamic had been of interest to me after the first few chapters, not the sex and bondage, that didn’t do a damn thing for me. But I wanted to ride out the story till the end, to see if her attempts at “changing” him would come to fruition. I won’t give away the ending, a poor excuse of one as well, but it is what it is.

I’m not like her, but in some ways, I do those things; showing/highlighting what it is they’re capable of.

Thinking of this movie, and certain things in my life that have recently come to light, I was able to “Break Free, and own the final good-bye” Sometimes seeing someone do something, out of character, makes you open your eyes. After all you’ve done for them in the past, you finally see them for their true nature. Again it’s always hindsight. I always give the benefit of the doubt, and don’t want to be the bitch. Nice girls can finish first.  It will just be with a much better finish line finale 😉

It’s all good from here on out. I’m actually kinda happy about this post, it’s not depressing, it’s eye-opening. Sometimes when you just let the words out, you learn a lot about yourself. I’ll be your biggest supporter, but you need to work on your own shit!


It’s funny, I started this post originally on my weekend coffee share post, something about my coffee cup and Grey/Gray got me thinking about the movie, and those things called books, which got me thinking about relationships…its funny how topics and posts emerge.


3 thoughts on “I’ll be your biggest supporter, but you need to work on your own $hit!

  1. Pingback: If We Were Having Coffee | Random Musings And Wanderlust

  2. Fifty Shades of Grey while recovering from fibroid surgery, ouch!

    I only read those books in that they stimulated my funny bone.  They made me laugh too. 😉

    Yeah, the ending was a poor excuse.  I still smiled a bit though.

    As I learned for myself in “No One Can Save You (but you)”, you can’t save people. It’s their life journey. But you can help them. Thanks for reminding me that I have to work on myself…even though I need a lot of help there. 🙂


    • Yeah it was an interesting time to read it, to say the least. And I admit, I did get a few chuckles out of reading them, and I smiled a tiny bit at the ending. just a tiny bit. lol

      Nope, you can only save yourself. And you’re not alone, everyone has to work on themselves..including me. I call myself, an ever evolving work in progress. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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