Why do Boys Only Want Love If It’s Torture…

Posted in Dating, Love, Musings by

…and there in lies the problem~

Boys cleverly disguised as men. Let me preface by saying I do not think all men are alike. I sing praises of men who actually take the high road and responsibility of being true to themselves and women in their lives.

Take a look here

But for a vast majority of men, there is a predominant feeling that love ( or romantic relationships in general ) have to be difficult.

I-dont-want-a-perfect-man-i-want-an-honest-man-saying-quotesWhy? 

It really is a conundrum and one I’m sure I will never fully grasp. It boggles my mind that so many men who say they want love, a relationship, companionship, truth, no drama etc do so many things to sabotage their chances of this success.

Yes I’m sure there are women who do the same thing but for this posts purpose I’m talking men.

They are setting themselves up for failure before they even begin, and in turn are setting up unsuspecting women who believe their truthfulness.

I’m not talking about the guys who outright just cut to the chase and ask for sex or make their intentions known. NOT that they are a gem either, but at least you know from the start where they are coming from and what they ultimately want.

And Yes we all want to get to that point in a relationship..key word is relationship, get to know each other, go out a while, see if that spark is there, and if it is well lets hope for some fireworks and all the fanfare. -MEME-Date-Night-MEMES

Yet as women, ok me personally, I don’t want to be the type of woman who sees all men as assholes, only looking for one thing, liars, cheats and any other adjective you can think of. But there is overwhelming proof that a large majority of men want or maybe need relationships to be difficult. Or at least in some of my dealings, and hearings from other single women, it happens more often than not.

For the most part I’ve been lucky. Yes, even lucky in my unlucky in love, life. Why? Because I haven’t had too many of these instances where boys are disguised as men. It happens, a few do slip through the cracks, and when it happens it really pisses me off.

I don’t have a type that I adhere to. I’m not searching for blonde hair, 5’11’, green eyes blah blah blah type of guy. What I’m searching for is a guy who I really can make a connection with. YES attraction is an extremely vital component to this, so is that ever elusive spark we all search for. But if your ass is looking for the spark you miss, from the first girl you kissed, when you were 10!! Then you need to reevaluate what your needs are. Again, the boy in the mans body.

Why is it that when you are in possession of a good thing you become destructive and ruin it?

Boys only want love if it’s torture.

A song by a pop princess but oh boy does she make a stunningly impressive observation on what is so predominant in today’s society. In fact, it’s been prevailing in society for far too long.

I just don’t quite understand the reasons behind it, and I’m sure I never will completely.

I’ve been told ~ “It’s all part of dating. That’s what dating is. Weeding out the assholes, finding the real ones, hoping that you don’t fall for a line this or that”

Maybe part of it is true. I just can’t understand why anyone, man or woman, would want love, or relationships in general to be difficult. Why put yourself, if not the other person, through that kind of torture?

  • Are they self-destructive?
  • Do they feed on the craziness?
  • Do they feel that they don’t deserve love and happiness?
  • Is it a self sabotage kind of thing?
  • Or are they just really uncaring, yet really good at playing the role of a person seeking a healthy relationship?

I’m far from thinking it’s not my choices, although I have to admit, I don’t make the same choices over and over again. Meaning I don’t choose the same type of guy each time. Hardly ever is there anything in common with the men I date. I really do try to mix things up in my dating life. So when things don’t go exactly like I’d hope, I’m not totally surprised. But then there are those moments of sheer WTF’ness that have me scratching my head saying~ seriously what just happened here?!?!

You have these seemingly amazing connections with certain men, you discuss doing things in the future, you meet their friends, their family, all those things you’d hope for, then the rug gets pulled out from under you. Or you go out with a guy half a dozen times, always have a great time, looking forward to the next date, things are moving along nicely and then bam they pull the fade away. Many different scenarios, either they have an epiphany or who knows what and then just do a 180, and it all ends up with you wanting to pull your own hair out. Then you think, maybe…70y5h

I’ve had my moments where I withdraw from the dating sites, and just dating in general, but I don’t want to think of all men as dirty rotten scoundrels just looking to jump into bed with the next unsuspecting woman they can pull the wool over their eyes. I always try to see the good, the possibilities, the hope, in others. I don’t look at them all the same, yet, over the last few months, I have this gut feeling that more and more of them are the same. I don’t quite like that feeling. But I’m a big proponent of listening to my gut. The big thing is, my gut hasn’t given me those feelings lately in my dating life. Although if I do get some twinge of uncomfortableness, lately I’ve been learning to put my thoughts and feelings out there and ask.

I don’t want to be a bitch, I mean it’s not that hard to do, but what do I get in return for being that way? I can be evil and conniving, and just down right degrading, but I don’t want to be that way. Yeah I’m a nice girl. Maybe that’s my problem too. But I don’t want a guy who wants love if it’s torture. I want a man who wants love and a relationship because he knows he deserves it just as much as I do, one who is willing to work on the difficult things, not create them.

Maybe that’s part of the problem too? Or maybe I’m….

looking-for-love-alderaan-placesThose are my Random Musings and Wanderlust for today… 🙂

21 thoughts on “Why do Boys Only Want Love If It’s Torture…”

  1. men will forever be the most confusing sex. Even moreso because they think they are simple lol. They somehow manage to turn the table to make us feel as if I we are nuts and coniving. Great post!

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    • I think we can all be confusing at times, even women, just depending on the dynamic. We’re all complex creatures and therefore it makes things a little more difficult to understand each other. At least in my opinion. I have heard of women saying the same things about how they are made to feel nuts and conniving, it’s sad for both parties, because ultimately no one really ends up happy. At least I don’t think so. Thanks for your comment and stopping by! 🙂

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    • OMG you said Honey Boo Boo! I don’t know why a man would want a tortured love either, and I do think that there are women who seek the same. It’s something I don’t want, so it’s hard for me to understand why they would. I get that no relationship is easy peasey, but I don’t get why one would want to make it harder…

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  4. As insanityBytes posted in “Women as Risk Takers?” there can be a common theme of entitlement, where there’s either no chance of finding love or ‘men need to be superior.’ There’s a lack of love there—from themselves.

    You have to be a loving person in order to find love—an internal thing to be worked out, not just physically meeting up. It applies to both sexes.

    And then there’s the “trading up” part. Men/women who’ll try to see if they can find someone “better” before they settle. Looking for perfection, or rather, learning.

    The laws of attraction make so many things internal. And some men, as well as women, are a-holes.

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    • I may have to check out this post further just to get a better understanding of it. But I do get that there are people who have that “trading up” mind set, and they don’t want to settle. I know I wont settle in the respect of well this is the best it’s going to get and I better be with someone anyone before I’m in the grave. I would rather deal with the dating life and the pitfalls of it, than say well this one will do. I also do believe that if a person isn’t happy with themself or doesn’t love themself, they are shortchanging the other person as well. They can’t fully engage I think on that level. And yes, some are just a-holes. Not all, I still believe there is good out there. It’s just a matter of crossing the right paths.

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  6. I want some examples! What did he or the multiple “hes” actually do to be difficult? Is it just the fade away that makes them difficult? Men work on a different time spectrum than women do. And they (many) don’t like to be chased. Sometimes when we are patient and don’t focus too much on counting the interactions or timing what happens between interactions as if they can divine his feelings, we find that he is just busy or thinking or taking his time. Just a thought! xoxo, Kitten

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    • Actually, I only had the fade away happen once, quite recently actually and not long after taking the relationship to the next level after a few months. Then there was the guy, after a year dating, tells me he didn’t feel a spark like he did with the first girl he kissed at 10 (or the one he met at the club and had been seeing for 4 months). It is what it is I get it.
      For me I prefer honesty. I get that some of them feel honesty leads to confrontation, which in some cases it probably does, but upfront and honest sooner rather than later (where you’re left wondering) can make a world of difference. I also get that men don’t like to be chased, I’m not one to send multiple messages if I don’t get a reply, also always take into consideration their hectic work schedules and try not to be pushy etc. I completely agree that the whole counting of interactions or timing will only make matters worse. We all have independent lives outside of relationships and that’s the way it should be. But I question why some of them will sing praises of how much they enjoy your company, can’t wait to spend time with you, plan future things and then take that 180. Like I said, I know not all are like that, and I’ve been very lucky even if I’m unlucky in love at the moment.
      I do appreciate and enjoy your thoughts on the post. I love the interaction!!!

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      • When I’m dating (and in everything really) I try to think about “What is this person’s agenda?” And I also take into account human nature that people will put in the minimum level to get the maximum result (unless they are blinded by love which is when we do all sorts of odd things!) But in early dating, I try to think, “What does he want?” I will often ask him and this is when honesty is so important but again, sometimes honesty will get in the way of what he wants, or so he perceives.

        I think the 180 happens when they change what they want. Sometimes it’s because someone else has come along and sometimes it’s simply because they are still learning their needs and they learned more about themselves when they were with you.

        And the final thought I have is that people lie. A lot. And especially to get what they want. And the truth is, relationships are F.U.N. in the beginning and then less so. If they are not connecting on an emotional, sexual, intellectual and practical level with you by 4-5 months, then it’s probably not going to happen. In times like this I consider it a blessing in disguise to end it because it frees us both up to find that person who will really make us weak in the knees!

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      • I read your comment earlier but wanted to be able to sit down to reply, had way too much running around today.
        First I have to say I agree with probably everything you had to say here. I think for me, it’s always a case of I give great advice but often slip when sticking to it myself. I try to be as honest as possible, and value the honesty given in return, sometimes it happens, others not so much. So when it doesn’t happen from a person who I’ve already established the whole honesty is the best policy rapport with, it stings much more. But I do agree, sometimes, even in the best of people, we are fearful of the honesty, the reaction, and the fall out from it. So maybe that is also when the 180 comes into place. I also agree, you have to be connecting on all of those levels. If 3 out of 4 are perfect, that 1 is going to be a huge wedge in the relationship. I just also wish it could be expressed somehow, that a part is maybe lacking from their pov. Again, these are my wishes, and we all know that we can wish upon a thousand stars and you just have to see what happens. Blessings in disguise are surely what they are. At least I hope so as well. I wish I could insert a photo to this comment thread. I stumbled upon one today that I think sums up quite a bit about the feelings I had when this happened. It went like this. …
        Let go of the need to know why… remember the Earth mantra. Deep in your bones that you are beautiful, that you belong, that you are wild and powerful. Wise women, breathing, together, conspiring, sitting in circles, knowing that all things unfold in the Most Perfect Way. ~Song from the Mother.
        Exactly like you say, a blessing in disguise. Thanks again, I really enjoy the discussion!! Paula

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      • So agree! Post the photo to Twitter and tag me. @KittenHoliday I’d love to see the image. And yes, I don’t always follow my own advice too. And sometimes I get overconfident that I will be able to “go with the flow” and “won’t get hurt” oh silly me!

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  10. I came upon your post while searching for ‘why is love a torture’ hoping to find some one-sided answer that satisfies me. Then after reading this I realise I am one of those assholes you are talking about. I don’t think we do it consciously. Not me atleast. Most of the times with men like us, its an early betrayal or heartbreak of some kind that causes us to try to sabotage the relationship as soon as it starts getting serious. Its a kind of a test. So that before we invest our whole being into the relationship we can make sure that the girl we’re with won’t treat our feelings as carelessly as the previous ones did. Truth be told, most of us have lost faith in relationships long past. But still there’s a need, a hope that you might not like that. That you are different. We somewhere believe that relationships don’t work but also WANT to believe that this one will. And so its a constant struggle inside us that manifests itself in the relationship in the form of unnecessary struggles and arguments. I know its hard for the girl. But trust me, its harder for us. We keep switching “She’s the most beautiful girl in the world” to “She’s a bitch” every minute, all the time. But trust me, once that subconscious test is over, we will give our all to the relationship. Those stupidities are just a way to find out how much we mean to you. Its immature, but it is what it is.

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