Hold up, wait a minute! Where did the time go?

There are times in life when you just have to say, “Hold up, wait a minute! Where did the time go?”

I’ve found myself saying that at least once a week over the last few months. I’ve wanted to write. I’ve needed to write. BUT, I could not bring myself to do it. Why? I haven’t a clue. I mean I do have somewhat of a clue, like the simple fact that by the time the end of the day hit, dinner was made, the house was cleaned, errands were run, people were visited, and life was in full swing…I was exhausted. Completely drained. And in some cases, in a lot of pain. I can put on a brave face, and try to look fine, and in most cases I succeed. Then there are days I just want to sit in my leggings and scroll the newsfeeds, get caught in the sickness of politics, life in the outside world, and forget what it is that’s bothering me at the moment. Hey at least I got out of my pajamas, and changed clothes, amiright?

Then there are the moments I have an idea, a spark of something to write about, and then I self censor. The critic inside my head has much to say.

“No one wants to read this or that. It’s not interesting. It’s not relevant. It’s not good enough. It’s boring. It’s not funny enough. It’s not thought provoking. It’s not timely. People don’t even see your posts. It just sucks.

That’s when I cave. I give in to the negativity, I give in to the inner critic. The critic that really sucks in it self.

Then there are the moments when I run into people and they ask me,

“How come I haven’t seen your blog posts? Am I not looking in the right place? Am I missing it in my newsfeed? Have you stopped writing? I haven’t seen you at the coffee shop, where you normally write from. Where have you been?

I’ve hit a wall I’ve often said. I feel there isn’t much to write about right now. Life has drained my energy level and I don’t have it in me to write anymore. But that’s not always true. I have it in me, but I feel it’s not good enough. I should just say screw it, put it to page, and let it happen. I’ve wanted to write about our vacations this summer and fall, the places we’ve seen, the food we’ve eaten, and yet when I go to write, I’m stopping myself.

That’s when it hit me. New Year’s Eve.

The ball had dropped, Mariah Carey had a meltdown of sorts ( I actually was enjoying our company and didn’t pay much attention to the Dick Clark Rockin Eve celebration until the last 30 seconds or so) and it occurred to me…

What the fuck am I waiting for? Nike slogan ran through my head…Just do it! Who cares who reads it. Who cares if it’s good to someone else. Who cares if it’s funny, interesting, relevant, thought provoking. It may not be today, but it may be in a few months, or weeks or even years. And then even if it never is any of the above, Who the fuck cares. It’s good enough for me, it’s good for my soul, it gives me lightness, it gives me peace and it’s good enough for me.

Now here we are on the brink of a new year. No resolutions, just go with the flow and enjoy the moment.

Happy New Year. Happy days of writing whatever the heck I want to write about, if I want to write about it. If you read it, I appreciate it and thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you don’t read it, I appreciate that as well, and thank you from the bottom of my heart. image

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Things I’ve learned during 2015

 Life as we know it is a series of events. One turn down an unknown road can lead us to places we never dreamed of. So glad I took a walk on the wild side so to speak, and headed down different roadways this past year. The paths weren’t always smooth and paved, some had potholes, cracks and crevices but others, well others were smooth(ish) sailing. And I wouldn’t change any of the moments for anything different. Without the bumps along the way, one can’t appreciate the better days ahead. And ohh how much better they were.

I envisioned my 40th year as going to be great. I was planning on taking adventures, solo, a vacation, maybe a new hobby, just doing things out of my comfort zone. I started my walks again for a few weeks out in the woods, and got bit by a tick. That totally put a damper on my vibe. I haven’t really been out there too much since then. Although all my tests came back ok, no Lyme Disease, or Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever it definitely threw me for a loop.

In May, I took a trip to Pennsylvania to visit my Sissy, Iris for her daughter E’s First Holy Communion. That trip proved to be a roller coaster of a ride with having my car literally crawling less than 5 mph on Rt. 80 over mountain terrain because it had decided to take a crap on me. Still to this day no one knows why or how or what caused it to do such a thing. But while I was there, Bella, Sissy’s oldest daughter was scrolling through my Match.com dating profile at some of the eligible men that had looked at my profile and she pointed out one very special man. Little did I know it was him all along. Someone who over the last few years I actually sort of knew.

A few little bumps along the way, particularly with a meddling person who uses the pretense of “friendship” to disguise her own deceptive, conniving, immature, and almost fatal attraction stalkerish ways to try to tear apart and place a wedge between Dave and I. But since day one we have forged a bond which only grows stronger every day, and her failed attempts to do such cruel things have no ill affects on us. For that matter, it has only made our bond stronger, and brought us closer together. Yes I’m giving her a piece of my time on this post, and I know damn well she’s reading it, but we surely don’t waste precious time or energy on the likes of her. It is funny in a way that when someone lies for their own selfish benefit, it turns out doing the complete opposite. Whatever her real intentions were, they failed miserably. It must be sad living your life like that, hurting the ones you supposedly care about. A sad, sad life indeed.

That little bump in the road, like when the highway crew just fills the potholes or the uneven lines in the roadway, you get over it move into the next lane and keep on trucking because that’s what life is all about. LIVING IT! And we are living it.

I never would have imagined my life where it is now. Dating a man who is strong, confident, caring, loving, funny as hell with a weird sense of humor, a wonderful father to his two boys, someone who I can finally wholeheartedly open my heart and mind to, and allow to help me. When I say help I mean I have been so used to doing things on my own, I am a stubborn Italian lady when it comes to doing things myself lol. But he has taught me that it’s ok to want to be able to do them myself, actually do the things myself, yet if I can’t it’s ok to ask. Like changing my tire when we were stuck in the diner parking lot after dinner with him and his boys. I was so pissed off, thinking how the hell am I going to change this tire and fix it. He stepped up with his boys and they all took the tire off, placed the spare on, and then he fixed the tire when we got back to his house. “You sure are stubborn, you don’t like to take help from people, you like to do it yourself. But sometimes you can’t, sometimes you need to say it’s ok, I can’t do it, and be ok with that.” That’s the kind of guy he is.

Being happy wasn’t on my radar this year. Not relationship wise anyway. I resigned the fact that whatever was going to happen would happen in its own time. I guess it was time.

I’ve lost touch with some very close people over the last few months. Life as we know it has taken different paths. But at the end of the day, time or distance should not break those bonds, and although the thread that ties us may shred a little, it’s never fully torn apart.

I’ve had loss of loved ones, health scares among friends, family, and myself and in those moments in time you truly know who is there for you.

I’ve cut ties with family members because at the end of the day self preservation is vital in your own well-being. Sometimes, saying goodbye to people who drain your love and good nature is the best thing for you. Negativity has no place in my world, and I don’t care, or for that matter I care too much about myself to keep negative people in my life, even if they are family.

The realization that I have neglected my blog and some of the things I enjoy has really bummed me out. Not purposefully doing so, but in enjoying life as it has been, some things have taken a backseat. Time to put them in the passenger seat with me for this ride of life. I need to get back to my writing, even if I feel I have nothing to write about. It’s good for the soul to get the words out there.

I need to get back on the trails for some more walks. I don’t do marathons, but keeping my strength up for my well being is a good thing. Slow and steady wins the race of life.

2015 has taught me as I look back upon it fondly that, Chaucer was right

“Time and tide wait for no man.”

I’ve said it before in another post, and honestly it is true. We must make the most of the time we have. We don’t want to wake up one day wishing and hoping and praying that we have more time. Now is the time to do the things you want to do.

♦Make that bucket list and do them.

♦Live your life with wild abandon, legally of course 😉

♦Do the things you want to do, even if you don’t succeed at least you can say you tried.

♦Open your heart and mind to the possibilities that lye ahead, there’s no telling where tomorrow will take you.

♦Do things that scare you. A little healthy scare out of your comfort zone is good for the soul.

♦Take that trip while you can.

♦Take that class you’ve been thinking about.

♦Go on adventures, even if it’s a road trip to nowhere.

♦Eat by yourself in a fine restaurant. Sit at at table and be served, not at the bar.

♦Disengage from electronic devices and engage with the people around you.

♦Take care of yourself first. It’s not selfish, it’s good for the soul and those you surround yourself with.

♦Be kind to one another, you never know what someone might be going through.

♦Pay it forward in any way you see fit. It could be as simple as buying a stranger a cup of coffee the next time you’re in that coffee shop.

♦Do more than just the minimum to get by in life.

♦Don’t make any New Years Resolutions, but resolve to be a better person than you were a moment ago.

♦Be in the moment. Don’t dwell on the past, you can’t change it. Don’t anticipate the future, you don’t know what it holds. The present time is all you can be wholly involved in. Make every moment count.

♦Leave the negative bumps in the road back in 2015 where they belong, and bury them, and look forward to 2016 with eyes wide open, for the possibilities are endless if you really think about it.

I wish you all much love, luck, good health, and abundant happiness in the coming year.