In my post Where do you find your Happiness I talked about my Sissy’s daughter “E”. (I’ve actually been working on this post since that day. It’s just been something in the back of my mind that couldn’t get finished until tonight.)
E is amazing. Actually all of my Sissy’s children are. They are smart, caring, generous children, beautiful inside and out, and they are more family to me than my own family is at times. She is my chosen sister, we met our first day of college. Oh boy were we lucky.
I’ve been questioning some things in life lately, and I’m often drawn back to a little something “E” said to me a few months ago when I made a surprise visit.
“E” is 7 going on 37 hehe, and although she already knew the answer to this opening question, she started this conversation …
E~ “ Paula, you’re not married and you don’t have any kids right?!”
Me~ ” No, E I’m not, you already know that. But why are you asking?”
E~ ” Well at school, they say girls like you have to do this thing, and go somewhere ”
Me~ ” Oh really now, what might that be? Join the Convent, and become a Nun?”
E~ ” No”
Me~ “Ok then, what about boys who don’t get married, what are they supposed to do?”
E~ ” They become Priests, of course!!!”
Trying not to laugh too uncontrolably, her mom and I then say
“So if the boys become Priests, wouldn’t the girls become Nuns?”
E~ Giggling ” Yeah that’s it”
E~ Well I don’t think you should become a Nun anyway. You should be a Mom, you’re cool and fun and I think you’d be a great one.
Needless to say she made me cry a little bit. A mixture of emotions all circling inside.
Like I said, she is a little spitfire and is wise beyond her years, sometimes I forget who I’m talking to. Or who’s texting me and sending me messages with the most amazing thoughts. I constantly say ~ Out of the mouths of babes~
The funny part of that, outside of the cute factor, is that when Sissy and I were in college, we went to one that had Nuns on campus. They taught classes, and lived at the adjacent convent on the college property. I always joked around that if I didn’t get married, I’d join the convent. Our Nuns didn’t wear habits, well not all of them, and if they did they wore white ones. They were of the Dominican order of Nuns. So non habit wearing Nuns were affectionately called plain clothes Nuns by us.
So for Little Miss E to come out with this, that I surely know her mother never mentioned, and neither did I, it was like an ahhhaaa moment. Ironically enough the time of this visit was not long after ending a relationship. One that had me fooled for quite some time, and although I had an idea it might be coming to an end, it wasn’t the way I expected. So at the moment she said those words they hit home a little harder than I wanted to admit, but I still found it amusing.
Here I sit, almost 7 or 8 months later and those little words, in her adorable little voice sing gracefully in the back of my mind when I’m having those late night musings. Just going with the flow of life, seeing it pass by, sometimes in a flash of light and other times as a slow moving silent movie where you are struggling to read the lips of the actors to get an idea of what is really going on.
Kids say the darnedest things, don’t they? This was no exception.
Where do I stand in this part of my life? I’ve been getting comments from men for at least 2 years now, especially on the dating sites, that at my age I shouldn’t want children if I haven’t had them yet. Some comments are rude, crude, obnoxious to say the least, and some are just inquisitive. Yes I know a thick skin is needed for internet trolls of all varieties, but when it’s a pattern of sorts it kind of sticks with you a little longer and is harder to roll off your back. At least for me.
Those late night musings creep into the deep crevecis of my mind at the most inopportune times… But they are there for a reason. You need to hit them head on and not brush them under the rug. So as I ask myself these questions of life, obviously the Convent won’t take me, I believe I’m damaged goods haha. But I’m not giving up on the…if it’s meant to happen it will happen, if it’s not then it’s not meant to be.
I’m good with that. 🙂
As I sit here putting the finishing touches on this post. I checked one of my online profiles to find this message came through this morning. Not really a rude message but one that is annoying none the less.
What you don’t see is his name, photo, and age. I blocked it out, cause I’m not that mean… He’s 48, has kids, and doesn’t want more, but expects that a woman will put his children first. Ok that’s his choice, and I respect that. My profile says “Loves children, and would like to someday have my own if a solid relationship and nature provides, also very welcoming of yours” Funny thing is, he’s messaged me on another site not long ago asking the same thing, and on that site I have a variation of the same line, which includes the “if it happens great, if not I’ll be ok with it” I still haven’t replied to his message, and I’m not sure what to even say at this point.
It’s almost a double standard of sorts in my mind. Men can have children until they stop producing sperm basically, and are rarely looked down upon or judged so fiercely for having them at a late stage in life. Same thing if an older man is dating a younger woman. But for a woman, who as far as I’m concerned, my age is not too old to have kids! Yeah I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket (pun intended) but I still have opportunity and if nature is on my side then so be it.
This post really did take a random ramble of sorts. Hope you were able to keep up. A quick recap, no I wont become a nun any time soon, and no babies on the horizon as of yet, but the dating…that is still up in the air haha. Such is life. And boy is it an interesting one at that!
And you know what, I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂