Let me just say, it’s been a heck of a week.
As I sit down in Whole Foods for my first meal of the day, yes it’s almost 4 pm Sunday and I’m finally eating. Let’s just say, in a house full of forgetfulness it’s very easy for it to rub off on a person.
The winter dull drums have set in, and a sense of craziness has been permeating though my house. Twinkle Toes (affectionately what I call my stepdad) has been very forgetful lately. It’s a mixture of his age, medication and hopefully nothing more serious. But as he approaches becoming an octogenarian, I can see a significant change in him. Quite reminiscent of my Nana, whom suffered from dementia & possibly Alzheimer’s disease. But back in the late 80’s – early 90’s not much had been known of the latter. I’m to the point I may have to trick him into going to see a doctor about it, as he’s becoming defiant about his memory loss. Only time will tell, but not sure who’s side time is on at this point.
I digress and as I type this am reminded of a session I had with a psychic not long ago. She predicted I would have two children between the ages of 40-42. Not totally unlikely, even my doctor says it’s possible without treatments, and for me I always say let nature take it’s course. If it’s meant to be it will be. Personally for me. However these last few weeks I’m reminded that she didn’t say I would birth these children or adopt them, my imaginative mind thinks…maybe my “children” are actually my parents. I shudder at the thought. Not that I would intentionally ever leave them to their own devices, but I’ve been here once before. Taking care of my Nana with the help of my Mom. It was just us, taking care of her, yet we were not the only ones who existed. (That’s for another story at another time perhaps) Seems like life repeating itself suddenly all these years later. Yet I’m in a different position. One of more control, yet somehow less at the same time.
I am an only child, and so the soul caretaker of my Mom when and if the time arises. She has explicit instructions for her life if ever she is not fully there. “Find a nice place for me, where I’m comfortable, and kiss me goodbye. I don’t want you having to lose me more than once. Once for my mind, and again for my body” I’ve hear these words for years. And as I’ve gotten older and have seen more of how life escapes you when you don’t know who you are or who your lived ones are, I’d be remiss if I didn’t follow her instructions. (To a point of course. But she doesn’t have to know that. I’d never walk away but I will say my “so long”)
As for my stepfather, who technically isn’t married to my mom or my stepfather but 100x’s more a father to me over the last 30 years than my own father, he has children and I’m not in control of why happens to him. He refuses to talk about end of life situations, many of his friends have long since passed from various reasons and he’s not comfortable with the topic. He vehemently states that He will be taken care of. We will be taken care of. The latter is not my concern, the former however is crucial. I can’t help but think if something more serious than a cataract surgery were to happen that I’d have no recourse to help. And his children, although they I’m sure have their issues, have contact when they want.
I know things are not that bad, but I can’t help but worry if and when they are. No use crying over spilled milk, but if you can catch the cup before it drops I think you’re better off.
My intentions for weekend coffee share were to talk about the bigger picture in my life. Of love, lust, flirtations, etc. But I guess as I started typing the other bigger picture took over. Time and place for everything.
Hope your Sunday is filled with love, warmth, and an overflowing cupa coffee (or whatever your drink is 🙂 )